Thursday, December 24, 2015
Good morning beautiful readers. It has been a tad bit over a month since I have created a post. An enormous amount of change has occurred in that time frame. All of it has been a part of the process of evolution and self awareness. Although most of it was initially hard and humiliating, its all accumulated to an enormous amount of growth. I realized many unhealthy realities about myself and have walked away from a few unhealthy people.
I have been struggling emotionally and spiritually since the end of may. I see the time frame from then through the early part of November, as a very slow moving elevator ride down to a new bottom. A bottom of which would reveal its self as a much needed miracle. When I finally hit this new bottom it seems as though a veil had been lifted from my heart and light visible to my eyes. There was one event in particular which occurred in the second week or so of November, that triggered a full blown panic attack, a full onset of anxiety and this event also revealed I had PTSD.
I was not aware of this in the moment or in the week and a half following. Yet signs of these facts were evident and the universe, my God, our creator had been communicating with me where to place my footing next. The second week of November I realized my mind would continuously rehash things that were said and the looks on peoples faces that had been involved during that first weekend of November. In specification the phrase "there is nothing wrong with you. I don't ever worry about you", kept ringing uncontrollably between my ears. I couldn't understand why this was said because it had nothing to do with my question for clarity when it had been said.
Nearly one week after that event, all this emotional psychological blender shit was nonstop and I couldn't figure out why. I was nearly unsuccessful in recovering from it. I was frustrated with the way my mind was beginning to sound like I was insane. I asked for answers and I really did get them. I recall turning on the TV to divert my minds focus. When I did I heard PTSD talk. I decided that that was not something I wanted to watch or hear. Opened up the cable guide and surfed for a movie as I did this I muted the volume on the TV. I found a channel and hit enter. God presented yet another sign for me in the form of a commercial talking about anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Now I was even more frustrated. I muted it once again. In the silence I heard it again. PTSD and panic attacks.
I was being shown the problem and I was not willing to consider that I was a candidate for any of these things. I have this generalized tape on panic attacks, anxiety and especially on PTSD. I thought that the only people who struggle with PTSD are military personnel. The other tape was on panic attacks. The image that pops into my mind when ever I hear about panic attacks is of a woman hyperventilating and calling a lot of attention to herself with noises and crazed body movements. Boy o boy was I way off. I spent the next few days running around town seeking medical attention.
That experience was like moving several mountains, as it was me putting forth the effort to be personally responsible for my own wellbeing, health and happiness. I blamed no one and left the responsibility up to non other than myself. I was humiliated on several occasions and turned away repeatedly. However, I was not deterred from seeking medical attention. I had my self respect to fight for and I was determined and motivated to do it while trusting the power within myself to carry me through. After all the universe had presented the problem in neon signs and in the form of tv as well as that still comforting voice. There was no denying. I also caved and researched signs and symptoms of the three things I had been shown. It was me that I was reading about. Almost exactly.
I knew if I kept pressing on I would be provided for. So I did just that and exactly that is what I received. I climbed out of the pit I woke up in and when I did there was so much support offered, clarity given and medication enlisted. Today I am not fighting a battle I am creating a bright promising future, while being raised by a community that hides a wolf or two in its midst. I am back full force. I have no shame in taking medication to find balance. I am also learning about the triggers and learning how to cope with the panic attacks, managing anxiety and discovering the triggers for this thing called PTSD.
I have also discovered that social media is not ok with me any more. Ive done away with most of the " Friends" on Facebook and haven't heard a word from any of them. Which proves to me my point in deleting. Social media provided a false sense of connection and friendship. The reality is there really is no connection its all just a dog and pony act.
Thank you all for your support and patients.
Happy Holidays! Happy New Year & Merry Christmas!