Sunday, October 18, 2015

Boxer Mastiff

My dog has been acting weird lately. We have moved to a new location recently and about a week and a half later she stopped following me around every where. Instead, she follows my room mate around. When my room mate leaves she goes to my roommates room and sleeps till she gets back home. Once my roommate is home she's right back to following her around.
       So I've been kind of jealous. What gives and why is my pooch following someone else around and acting as if she had a new human. Then I was like well I'm not good for her and I must scare my pooch because she doesn't like me any more. I'm a bad mommy.

       Then the truth set in when I chose to be willing to see what my dog was telling me about my own behavior. I'm a sensitive empath. I believe my dog is also a sensitive. She senses when I'm in an anxiety state spiritually. She fears that negative energy as I fear the same in other humans. So why wouldn't I expect that she would fear me? If my dog had a voice she would tell me that I am toxic for her.

        I would have to admit she would be absolutely right. I've been so stressed lately, no appetite, tunnel visioned, easily agitated and just plain old touchy. My weight has plummeted off of my body. I'm taking it all out on myself , my dog and the people who love me. This is not ok. No matter what my excuses are I have no reason to treat people the way that I have been.

       I've been intentionally trying to send people messages that they are not important and like they don't matter to me. Why you ask? Because I am the one who feels like I don't matter. I am the one who doesn't feel important or significant. Now that I realize this and the fact that I have an amends or few to make, the question is what the heck can I do to change the way I feel? No body can fix this but me. I have the power and the know how. So why the hell haven't i dropped this negative life tape?

        Seems as though when I fail at something or don't get what I want, I throw a hissy fit by treating others the way I have been. Changing this tape means I have to physically alter my state. When I was younger I'd fail a grade and get beaten bad, have ugly words thrown at me, was looked at in a way that instilled fear in me for as long as I can remember. So I found a point of origin & now I have found the key to change this freaking behavior if I don't I will wind up without loved ones in my life because they would have no choice but to love me from a distance because I would have fought to the death to push all the good away. All because i believed a lie I was shown and told many moons ago. I've over come the I'm not worth a damn tape yet I'm still acting it out.

       I'm humiliated by this revelation yet this could prove to be the very thing that sets me free from the prison of my mind. I've learned to be positive in the face of some pretty diverse moments so I can definitely squash this negative tape. This must be what it means to let love in. That's scary. I actually want to cry. I thought I had been letting love in. I guess I was controlling it kinda like a water faucet. My hand on the knob turning it on to just a tad bit faster than a trickle. I want it to fucking burst wide open and carry me away.

        My conclusion is that yet again I have stood in the way of my own success. My prescription is to get out of my own way, be grateful for what i have and appreciate what i don't while respecting this moment in time for what it is.... energy in motion better known as creation.

I intend that I am consciously aware of the energy I am manifesting and that that energy it's used for the highest good.

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