Tuesday, October 27, 2015
I discovered I was stuck in this vicious cycle of self degradation. AAhh!!! Still?! One relationship was blasting a neon light that said, "Korrine you have some serious issues with self deception, loyalty and integrity!" Did I see this at the time? Heck no! I was a volunteer victim. Stuck in the land of closed eyes while looking the other way saying he cheated this and lied about that and so on. Ha ha! I laugh at how I chose to see back then. I'm still learning!! I was not willing to be fully accountable for my own wellbeing. Looking outside myself for acceptance, approval, grace and unconditional love. The dreaded words, "if only" were a regular part of my vocabulary. Words are powerful acts of creation!! Hello!
One of my rules with myself while raising my daughters was to be sure I did not tell them they were bad or dirty etc. Some of this was definitely self projection. Poor girls. I forgive myself. Yes its that easy to create change. Start with the way you treat yourself, your words and the words you frequently hear, weather in your own conversation or the conversation you may be eves dropping in on. We are responsible for making ourselves feel worthy and valuable. Our loved ones are a support of the fact or can be a reflection of how we really feel about ourselves. They are not responsible for "making" us feel or do anything. That's finger pointing. There is a reason its being spotted/heard at that present moment. These truths may hurt but are meant to free us up out of stagnation.
Break free of the monotony of Facebook games/stalking or the preverbal, "oh who text me", only to become upset because its not from who we wish to receive affirmation, discounting the divinity in the moments, which are providing what we deeply yearn for but are missing because we're too busy with our cell phones, Android watches, TV shows or simply too busy trying to make it happen. My fingers cramping, (Hows that big ass sentence a mirror to our lives?). Looking in all the wrong places and feeling worst in the end. The spiritual void grows and pretty soon we're back to being robots not even shitting in the moment while our source of energy is refueled mechanically and without passion automatically drawn to missing the moment, spending barrowed time on a wasted legacy. WTF is that?!?! Yet I still do it. I spot it because. . . .??
The other relationship emphasized that I was abandoning myself. This time I was willing to see the truths before me. First I honored my self and soul by grieving the loss of a lie I had found a false sense of security, significance and control in and hurt from what id put myself through. Talking to others who lifted me up when I saw no end in the tunnel helped. I allowed my self to be soaked up like a cotton ball draws up moisture, when I was a sobbing mess. Trusting myself enough to feel and allowing that blessing to wash over me like a shower of rain in the jungle. Forgiving repeatedly myself and the other victim. Then clarity set in and there was no denying myself the truth revealed to me.
Kudos to me for choosing to see and further more for taking action. Yes, I applaud myself because I am learning to love me. No one can love you the way you deeply desire. That deep desire is spotted by you in you because ........" you spot it you got it", in this case we are capable of loving ourselves the way we desire. Once we learn how to do this and are willing to see all the ways needing tweaking, the rest of the world seems a bit more at peace and the tsunami of your heart is more like a running river. We are the worlds first and best examples of how we like to be treated. By both the way we treat ourself and the way we treat others. Learned that from Lisa Nichols. Ok, off the tangent. Maybe, I can never tell.
I started to see that I clearly had no regard for my emotional safety, spiritual health and overall physical wellbeing. Looking to my recent history I see a lost broken woman stumbling around a mass pit with corpses scattered throughout it in various stages of decay. She's stumbling around for her shovel. What I realized with this relationship is that, although not as harshly as in the recent past, I was still recklessly abandoning these fruits I've been blessed with. I chose not to justify this with a complacent comment such as, " well at least I've progressed." No that's bull doo dooo! An excuse to be stagnant. No not me. I firmly believe that if I've spotted it its because its the next step in spiritual evolution(or something I have/ have yet to realize I've got.) and any hesitation that occurs "as a result of" this revelation is fearful ego and cowardly pride.
I have no intention of sending the message that this is all easy. Its hard, challenging and uncomfortable and sometime when I unveil a negative tape I wasn't consciously aware of I can feel humiliation; which for me is like a sign that im being too hard on myself and a little self grace would be nice. To accomplish that I'd recall how hard I worked to not feel, blame others and self medicate. Took a but heaping of an effort to remember to try this and after a time this practice became just another healthy way to process. I remember at that moment that I am learning to trust myself and that I am accountable for my wellbeing.
The very act of revealing the negative tape or behavior is like winning a gold medal because we've just unveiled the key to changing the behavior. I take all the nervous energy and use it to create new synopsis(action overriding the fear) within the emotion connected to the most impactful memory in relation; which has stifled the ability to relate that surge of emotion to a positive impactful experience. I hope this is clear to some one else. This is so new to me in personal experience that I'm still learning how to express this experience with clarity. God said we are creators and this is how I self create and then turn around and share my experience with you. I am you . We are the I AM.
Ever feel like you have met your soul mate ahead of schedule? Maybe many life times before they were ready, yet you know how special you are that you believe and know in your soul that you are just that special. Special enough to have the rare opportunity to have met your twin soul, the flame that sets the world a tilt on its axis? Just asking.....ha ha. Ok I ask because I know I'm not alone in this divine experience. I want to hear about your experience of how you were thrust forward in your spiritual evolution. I want to hear how mountains were moved in you and cause a chain wave reaction throughout the universe. Geez! ok I'm back. Wind blew me. I am a feather going with the flow effortlessly.
My overall point is that each and every life experience is our personal connection to our spirituality, our divinity, our creativity, our creator, the same creative energy source that keeps this globe a float. I love my self that much more when I chose to see the truth about the self. I love myself more when I chose to forgive. I love myself that much more when I forgive repeatedly. I love myself that much more when I refuse to point the finger and play victim. I love myself that much more when I allow my self the blessing of fully experiencing the moment. I love myself that much more when I chose feeling over reaction. I love myself that much more when I chose to face my ego and pride. I love myself that much more when I chose to see what's before me. I love myself that much more when I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY OWN THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND ACTIONS!!!
BTW....... I love talking about these experiences. This fires burn is self sufficient when its ambers are carried by the wind. KCR
Please... follow and share someone you know may need to read that they are aliens and that they are powerful creators.
Tee Hee. . . .
Sunday, October 18, 2015
My dog has been acting weird lately. We have moved to a new location recently and about a week and a half later she stopped following me around every where. Instead, she follows my room mate around. When my room mate leaves she goes to my roommates room and sleeps till she gets back home. Once my roommate is home she's right back to following her around.
So I've been kind of jealous. What gives and why is my pooch following someone else around and acting as if she had a new human. Then I was like well I'm not good for her and I must scare my pooch because she doesn't like me any more. I'm a bad mommy.
Then the truth set in when I chose to be willing to see what my dog was telling me about my own behavior. I'm a sensitive empath. I believe my dog is also a sensitive. She senses when I'm in an anxiety state spiritually. She fears that negative energy as I fear the same in other humans. So why wouldn't I expect that she would fear me? If my dog had a voice she would tell me that I am toxic for her.
I would have to admit she would be absolutely right. I've been so stressed lately, no appetite, tunnel visioned, easily agitated and just plain old touchy. My weight has plummeted off of my body. I'm taking it all out on myself , my dog and the people who love me. This is not ok. No matter what my excuses are I have no reason to treat people the way that I have been.
I've been intentionally trying to send people messages that they are not important and like they don't matter to me. Why you ask? Because I am the one who feels like I don't matter. I am the one who doesn't feel important or significant. Now that I realize this and the fact that I have an amends or few to make, the question is what the heck can I do to change the way I feel? No body can fix this but me. I have the power and the know how. So why the hell haven't i dropped this negative life tape?
Seems as though when I fail at something or don't get what I want, I throw a hissy fit by treating others the way I have been. Changing this tape means I have to physically alter my state. When I was younger I'd fail a grade and get beaten bad, have ugly words thrown at me, was looked at in a way that instilled fear in me for as long as I can remember. So I found a point of origin & now I have found the key to change this freaking behavior if I don't I will wind up without loved ones in my life because they would have no choice but to love me from a distance because I would have fought to the death to push all the good away. All because i believed a lie I was shown and told many moons ago. I've over come the I'm not worth a damn tape yet I'm still acting it out.
I'm humiliated by this revelation yet this could prove to be the very thing that sets me free from the prison of my mind. I've learned to be positive in the face of some pretty diverse moments so I can definitely squash this negative tape. This must be what it means to let love in. That's scary. I actually want to cry. I thought I had been letting love in. I guess I was controlling it kinda like a water faucet. My hand on the knob turning it on to just a tad bit faster than a trickle. I want it to fucking burst wide open and carry me away.
My conclusion is that yet again I have stood in the way of my own success. My prescription is to get out of my own way, be grateful for what i have and appreciate what i don't while respecting this moment in time for what it is.... energy in motion better known as creation.
I intend that I am consciously aware of the energy I am manifesting and that that energy it's used for the highest good.