Wednesday, June 3, 2015

My Son . . . . . . . .love you daddy

My boys writhing in pain. Unforgiving heart aches. His tired minds swimming in a pool of quick sand. Each grain a broken memory of my unforgiving torture. Like a broken toe unwilling to heal as a constant reminder of each deep rooted scar I've violently placed on his heart. My deer boy I've silenced the beat of your precious heart. Stifled the breath in your precious lungs long enough. I've taken your ability to feel and covered your heart with cement and two feet of stainless steel. I've crushed the joy out of your precious life. Placed poison at the very core of your essence.

My boy, my pride and joy. I've smothered you for far to long. I watched over your self degradation for years since I've passed. I've watched you cover every crack in the foundation around your heart. I've cried over ever time you rationalize over your glassy emotions. I've crumbled at your losses and know I'm at fault. I regret deeply ever time love passes you by. My son. . . . . . . . I can never say I apologize to you enough. Enough to heal your heart. I can never lift you up enough to fill you with the life and vibrancy you deserve. You are so precious to me. I did not know this when we were together. I truly didn't know this. I didn't have access to SOS at Zac's Ridge or Discovery Training or even Pathways to help me heal from the hurts my father placed upon my little heart.

My son, sit here on the floor with me. Sit on my lap as I wrap my loving arms around you. Allow me to now sooth you. Allow me to rock you like you have always deserved and now are in need of. Close your eyes you are safe in my spirit. Listen to my loving voice as I tell you . . . . . . . .  my son you are the most precious thing on the face of this earth. I am so proud of you. I am proud to be called your father. You are an amazing little boy. You are so gifted. I love you son. Its ok to cry right now in my arms. Cry my son let it all out. I love your precious heart. You have so much compassion for others and now its time to have compassion for yourself. Now I will show you what compassion feels like. Forgive me my son. Forgive me for all the unforgivable acts I caused you.


I've always wanted to hear you say you love me. I always want to be hugged by you. I want to be liked by you. I want to make you proud. . . . . . . .but you hurt me. You yelled at me. You kicked me. You said mean things to me. You kicked me like you kicked the dogs and cats. I'm scared of your arms. I'm scared of love. I don't know how to feel feelings. I only know anger. I like being in your arms now. I wish you were here, really really here.


Now I'm a father. I look into my boys face and something in me stirs up deep inside. I want to love him like I was never loved. There's a block in my heart. I can barely speak kindly to him. I realized that every time my boy and I are together I tense up because its a constant reminder of you and I. When I look into my boys eyes I see his deep yearning for love and hugs and I look away. I find myself easily agitated by him because every time I look into his eyes I see myself looking back at me when I was a little boy. I love him so much but don't know how to give him this love other than to say it.

Dad . . . . . . . .
I've hit a breaking point. I worry that I have become you. I fear I have your illness. I fear it so much that its now my reality. I am so scared that I will do to my son what you had done to me so long ago. Please dad . . . . . . . . hold me. Tell me im stronger than you. Tell me im good enough to live love. Tell me im worthy of being happy and healthy. Dad. Hold me tight and never let me go. Help me to feel with my heart so that I can show my sons and daughter how to love and how to be loved.

My boy . . . . . . . .
You are stronger than any man I've ever known. You are taller than me. You are kinder than me. You are stronger than me. You are precious and valuable. You are important and authentic. You love better than any man I know in our family. My son you have broken the vicious cycle. You are ten thousand times a better father than me. My boy you will come out of this gutter a new man. Keep hope alive in your heart. Cry my son. Feel it all and break the handle on the faucet so that your tears and feelings can flow free. You are so precious to me. I love you.

Daddy . . . . . . . . I love you too. I miss you.

                                  Dad....I understand now. I forgive myself. And now....
                                                               I forgive you.

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