Monday, June 15, 2015

Be Still........

To My Heart,
Sometimes we have no choice but to sit still. We push and run throughout the day. An obvious sign that we are running from something. If only we chose to see the lessons before us along the tiresome way. He taught me that I have yet to cease to recklessly abandon myself, I learned that I too chose not to feel as I carry on with this dualistic battle within and miss out on life, I too tell myself lies. Claiming to be positive and in fact I am still a negative. So I run. And run. I constantly rush through the feelings of my heart and never really feel, thus recklessly abandoning my heart, running as I am falling apart.

So here I sit. I have no choice but to sit still. Listening to ten thousand emerald pools playing in the back ground. So I sit still diving in deeper to the heart that I feel. All I really see is you. Having to have to sit still. Here you drift into my window sill. I discovered my hearts the treasure. Although its black and blue, I will never give up on you. Love, I'm so addicted to you. Having found my heart I see that the scars deep but I love you. I'm ready for round two and I'll never give up on you. You're all I need to breathe.

So I've been forced to be still. I notice the chest tightening pain. I notice the burning in my eyes. I notice my neck tension up to my ears. I am still hurting. Why do I choose to hurt if it hurts? The bigger picture still I am loved beyond measure and its shows with the ease of effort in my displays of affection toward you. This only means that I've been to the dark side and severed all my ties and made it back from the brinks of permanently evil. Having been there and made it this far means I now know both sides of the bar. I've been to the depths of fear, now I'm here.

So I'm finally still, seeing the bigger picture through the hurt. grateful for having the moments. Not many have that in one life time. I did. The gift is I am loved beyond measure and I love even greater still. Through the hurt in heart, I see love and beauty that I can feel. My hurt from you is separate from all the other. My love, I love you so much that you have permission to feel. My heartbeats a bleeding pain. I still want to love again. I'm still and I'm letting it flow. Hurt in my chest, lump in my neck and shoulders ache. The thunder gets louder and louder.

This sweet pain. Deeper than I've ever known. Similar to one other. I see pictures of you & grow even colder. I'm still and all I see is you. In almost all I do, I see you. I elevate another level. Your still stuck with that shovel. So I hurt in a way that I can see. I can see two hearts bleeding. One is nearly in two. There is nothing I can do but look at the mirror before you. There you are my bleeding heart. With a newly formed almost healed scar. Permission to be still and simply feel again. Thank you for the lessons. Time for the next level of self care. I love you my love.
Love Me

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