Tuesday, June 30, 2015


Missing you my friend.  My head bends over seas of glass animals. Arousing sharp edged crested waves of pinpointed hurt in the heart of my soul. Reaching the depths where no man knows. Guarded by wind soldiers throwing boulders deep into me. Seas of turmoil boiling over occasional rip tides. Dare not rub my eyes for the thorn would cause me to be blind. Having realized you reside in your mind not ever having been a friend of mine. Maybe in another life time. For now gratitude eludes me as memories of you dissipate. Blown away boulders into the depths of the sea. Reality is you are me. We are I. As one under the sun.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Be Still........

To My Heart,
Sometimes we have no choice but to sit still. We push and run throughout the day. An obvious sign that we are running from something. If only we chose to see the lessons before us along the tiresome way. He taught me that I have yet to cease to recklessly abandon myself, I learned that I too chose not to feel as I carry on with this dualistic battle within and miss out on life, I too tell myself lies. Claiming to be positive and in fact I am still a negative. So I run. And run. I constantly rush through the feelings of my heart and never really feel, thus recklessly abandoning my heart, running as I am falling apart.

So here I sit. I have no choice but to sit still. Listening to ten thousand emerald pools playing in the back ground. So I sit still diving in deeper to the heart that I feel. All I really see is you. Having to have to sit still. Here you drift into my window sill. I discovered my hearts the treasure. Although its black and blue, I will never give up on you. Love, I'm so addicted to you. Having found my heart I see that the scars deep but I love you. I'm ready for round two and I'll never give up on you. You're all I need to breathe.

So I've been forced to be still. I notice the chest tightening pain. I notice the burning in my eyes. I notice my neck tension up to my ears. I am still hurting. Why do I choose to hurt if it hurts? The bigger picture still I am loved beyond measure and its shows with the ease of effort in my displays of affection toward you. This only means that I've been to the dark side and severed all my ties and made it back from the brinks of permanently evil. Having been there and made it this far means I now know both sides of the bar. I've been to the depths of fear, now I'm here.

So I'm finally still, seeing the bigger picture through the hurt. grateful for having the moments. Not many have that in one life time. I did. The gift is I am loved beyond measure and I love even greater still. Through the hurt in heart, I see love and beauty that I can feel. My hurt from you is separate from all the other. My love, I love you so much that you have permission to feel. My heartbeats a bleeding pain. I still want to love again. I'm still and I'm letting it flow. Hurt in my chest, lump in my neck and shoulders ache. The thunder gets louder and louder.

This sweet pain. Deeper than I've ever known. Similar to one other. I see pictures of you & grow even colder. I'm still and all I see is you. In almost all I do, I see you. I elevate another level. Your still stuck with that shovel. So I hurt in a way that I can see. I can see two hearts bleeding. One is nearly in two. There is nothing I can do but look at the mirror before you. There you are my bleeding heart. With a newly formed almost healed scar. Permission to be still and simply feel again. Thank you for the lessons. Time for the next level of self care. I love you my love.
Love Me

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

My Son . . . . . . . .love you daddy

My boys writhing in pain. Unforgiving heart aches. His tired minds swimming in a pool of quick sand. Each grain a broken memory of my unforgiving torture. Like a broken toe unwilling to heal as a constant reminder of each deep rooted scar I've violently placed on his heart. My deer boy I've silenced the beat of your precious heart. Stifled the breath in your precious lungs long enough. I've taken your ability to feel and covered your heart with cement and two feet of stainless steel. I've crushed the joy out of your precious life. Placed poison at the very core of your essence.

My boy, my pride and joy. I've smothered you for far to long. I watched over your self degradation for years since I've passed. I've watched you cover every crack in the foundation around your heart. I've cried over ever time you rationalize over your glassy emotions. I've crumbled at your losses and know I'm at fault. I regret deeply ever time love passes you by. My son. . . . . . . . I can never say I apologize to you enough. Enough to heal your heart. I can never lift you up enough to fill you with the life and vibrancy you deserve. You are so precious to me. I did not know this when we were together. I truly didn't know this. I didn't have access to SOS at Zac's Ridge or Discovery Training or even Pathways to help me heal from the hurts my father placed upon my little heart.

My son, sit here on the floor with me. Sit on my lap as I wrap my loving arms around you. Allow me to now sooth you. Allow me to rock you like you have always deserved and now are in need of. Close your eyes you are safe in my spirit. Listen to my loving voice as I tell you . . . . . . . .  my son you are the most precious thing on the face of this earth. I am so proud of you. I am proud to be called your father. You are an amazing little boy. You are so gifted. I love you son. Its ok to cry right now in my arms. Cry my son let it all out. I love your precious heart. You have so much compassion for others and now its time to have compassion for yourself. Now I will show you what compassion feels like. Forgive me my son. Forgive me for all the unforgivable acts I caused you.


I've always wanted to hear you say you love me. I always want to be hugged by you. I want to be liked by you. I want to make you proud. . . . . . . .but you hurt me. You yelled at me. You kicked me. You said mean things to me. You kicked me like you kicked the dogs and cats. I'm scared of your arms. I'm scared of love. I don't know how to feel feelings. I only know anger. I like being in your arms now. I wish you were here, really really here.


Now I'm a father. I look into my boys face and something in me stirs up deep inside. I want to love him like I was never loved. There's a block in my heart. I can barely speak kindly to him. I realized that every time my boy and I are together I tense up because its a constant reminder of you and I. When I look into my boys eyes I see his deep yearning for love and hugs and I look away. I find myself easily agitated by him because every time I look into his eyes I see myself looking back at me when I was a little boy. I love him so much but don't know how to give him this love other than to say it.

Dad . . . . . . . .
I've hit a breaking point. I worry that I have become you. I fear I have your illness. I fear it so much that its now my reality. I am so scared that I will do to my son what you had done to me so long ago. Please dad . . . . . . . . hold me. Tell me im stronger than you. Tell me im good enough to live love. Tell me im worthy of being happy and healthy. Dad. Hold me tight and never let me go. Help me to feel with my heart so that I can show my sons and daughter how to love and how to be loved.

My boy . . . . . . . .
You are stronger than any man I've ever known. You are taller than me. You are kinder than me. You are stronger than me. You are precious and valuable. You are important and authentic. You love better than any man I know in our family. My son you have broken the vicious cycle. You are ten thousand times a better father than me. My boy you will come out of this gutter a new man. Keep hope alive in your heart. Cry my son. Feel it all and break the handle on the faucet so that your tears and feelings can flow free. You are so precious to me. I love you.

Daddy . . . . . . . . I love you too. I miss you.

                                  Dad....I understand now. I forgive myself. And now....
                                                               I forgive you.

Permission to feel

I've come to this valley once more to walk away from the valley's floor. Standing at the open door with a stoic look having fallen on the floor. Face first into your endless abyss of stolen lies streaming from beneath your tie. Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Not your play mate but having been played. Having dug your needle in my records heart. So bleeding I'm set free. Old mud for new blood comes into me. Transferred tragedy under my beat. I've laid hands on you like a fool and broke what clings. Was dead, dangling inside your bitter head. Wiped from your play list. KC's of the luckiest kind. Providence is mine in burning hearts. My light illuminating your empty space. The dark place of fathers treading on virgin ground. Unlost having fallen in and found all broken ground. Swallowed by fear.

Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Facing giants in the void. Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Face the giant in your void! Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Only you, only you can make you whole again!

The curse can be lifted. Gifted in heart unsmothered. Only you! Only you! Wrapped up in royal blue. Dream you dreamer. Your play mates setting sail. Get your self out of hell. Imprinted hands laid where thee has fallen. Filled with purple and covered in blue. Take off your running shoes. Write it on dissolving paper. Climb out of the well. Leave the paper dissolving in hell. Let your heart breath. Ten thousand meditations require ten thousand heart palpations. Set your history a blaze and watch it crumble to the ground. Time to set sail in ten thousand emerald pools. The heads a blazing fool and the heart is the place to embark.

Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Facing giants in the void. Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Face the giant in your void! Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Only you, only you can make you whole again!

Come out from the dark place and show your face to light of the crystal crown.