Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Heart Yearning Rants

       I have no set intention with this post in my blog but I feel like I have unspoken words that are going to claim their freedom. I will just type and see what turns out. I will also post this just because I have tweaked my commitment to my self and have recommitted that I will post every Monday rather than every Monday and Thursday. I have done a lot of digging up of my past. As far back as I can recall. Some is still unseen at this time. I believe in order for me to heal I must find the points of ofigin in life. For example my prior post about my self mutilation. This applies to all areas of my life like how I love friends and being concerned with how they see love from a friend or what they consider to be love. Do they want quality time in order to feel loved? Do they want a phone call in order to feel like they are loved? Would a text that says "I love you" be loving in their eyes? Things like that is what I like to dive into.
       I am seeking out these answers for myself , I also go even deeper than that. I ask, "OK if I prefer a phone call; hearing the words, tone of voice and the energy a friend puts into swiping my name on their dial pad, where did I learn that this is love? Did I see it some where, read it, hear of it or did I simply decide one day that this is my preference?  I want to leave no stone unturned. I believe that if I strive to be as healthy as possible and remain willing to see all of my preferences, flaws and quirks, then learn to love them and heal them, in turn this will be what I attract into my life. Friends, family and a potential life companion. No not a perfect person. Ah! I am beginning to feel where this is going. Can you? I started a project a few weeks ago.
       I have cut out some images from a magazine and will scan the images into Photoshop and create a collage of the ideal relationship with my Life Companion(LC). I have included things like the type of shoes my LC wears on special occasions, where we would like to hike or camp, an image of the stars because we both get lost in the universe when gazing at them, images of couples in union and in partnership, fishing poles, horses and things like that. I didn't get into great detail with clothing because I believe this will interfere with their individuality. Once the images are all scanned in, I will color in the faces of all the women with rustic orange and all images of the LC with purple because orange defines me and purple seems to be an ideal mate and I'm not concerned with the looks of the LC. My main two stipulations are that he cares about his health and spirituality(not religion!!).
       Well now, seems silly, but I see creation and endless possibility's. I see that I must also dissect this collage once finished and discover why certain images appeared in it and find more truth out about myself. I have written all this and feel like I need to say that I believe my heart is still intertwined with a sweet friend of mine. We have lost touch, yet I feel his presence or I think of him often. Not sure which is which. I went to a meeting this past weekend and his face came to mind and I turned to see who was in the room, to see if he was in the room. Just as the memory of his hug appeared in my mind, I saw him. I was in aw. He looked as if he traveled into the past and left the boulder he carried for years on his shoulders, some where 14 years ago. He was glowing. I yearned for a hug then I  noticed he did not look up at me. Even though he knew I had turned to look at him. So maybe im not ready to date. Maybe I have more heart work to do in letting go of the past. Maybe I need to meditate on my hearts release of him and what ever else may be stuck. I have begun the process of letting go since then. ugh....i want to end this on a fairy tail like note.
        Now that I think of it I haven't been the same since we lost touch and haven't fully dealt with that. I will go for a weekend of spiritual purging and whats purged will be food for the blue gills. I am a hopeless romantic. I believe my life is a fairy tale. I believe that there is an LC out there working on himself as I am working on my self and together on our journey of self discovery we will join our paths leading up to the mountains with flash mobs of singing birds along the way. And on our endeavor we will gaze upon the sea of stars in all their wonder together in this life. After our journey has met its end we shall be one with everything.
For now, I seek a sense of the familial and certainty and will head to a meeting before work in the morning. Never giving up fairy tales because its fairy tales that have kept me alive and thriving. I love you deeply and peace be unto you all.

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