Saturday, March 21, 2015

Elevated Etheric Sexuality

       Shame and guilt creep in and linger. When we think we are all done with them they seem to have nestled in another location of our minds or we have discovered yet another place its resided in our minds. They seem to cling to little things like, " Am I too short?", " am I too fat?", Do I know enough?" " Am I standing confidently enough?", " Am I too fat?", " Don't look at my feet.", " Don't look at my gut.", Don't look at the way I walk.", " Am I clean enough?", "Do I smell good?", and  Blah blah blah. I think my point is clear.  
       All these types of thoughts are guilt and shame & seem to cause us some fear. In a way we begin to feel like we are wrong or not getting it, thus increasing the feelings of guilt and shame all while feeding our fears. When we are in this emotional state of being we miss out on the moment. When we doubt ourselves we become starving children; suffering at the hand of none other than ourselves. Yes, I get that these thoughts were handed down by our elders or those who raised us, but now as adults we get to choose whats true for our own thoughts. We can choose to no longer suffer. Most of the rules we have laid out before us don't even belong to us. I am at a point in life of which I am choosing to figure out what "is" true for me.
       Starting with sex. Yup I said it... SEX! I feel like there has to be more to sex than what I know. I know what I have experienced and i know it well and can do it well. Yet I'm bored with it and would be OK living a life with out it. I am a fully functioning sexual being and can climax just fine. I know what it takes to get there and know what to do to get my partner there. Still its boring. I am at an enriched spiritual existence in life and want the sexual being within me to be enriched also. This is where fear shows up for me. In order to experience an enriched etheric sexual self  I must be willing to be vulnerable; I must be a vulnerable student and fully give of myself in the moment and do my best to not label the etheric sexual experience.
       What do I mean when I say label the etheric experience? I mean when lying there feeling vulnerable and knowing you don't know what to do or how to be simply experience it and do not get in to the mental battle of saying to your self , "what do I do now?" or "how do I act?". Simply exist and experience the new experience. Notice how all of you is responding to the moment. Any tingling? Any heart flutters? How about your fingers? Focus on the feeling and notice your breathing. An etheric sexual experience is with out labels. There is no end goal. There really is no reason to place the label of past experiences on the enriched etheric sexual experience.
       I believe accepting my self as I am is key to enriching my sexual experiences in this life. I believe letting it all go is vital to growth. This arouses fear yet my intent is that I will face it and be fully present for an enriched etheric sexual existence with out labels. Peace

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Two Years Crystal Crown

       In two years, has been a life time. What have I learned? I've learned to question everything. Why, is an OK question to ask. The only reason we are told to not ask why, is probably because the receivers of this question don't have an answer or don't know how to ask why themselves. I believe the journey in life is to include this word; why. With out the why we would not have science or cures or pain or pleasure. With out why we would all be dead. Why blog? Why wake up every morning? Why love? Why dream? Why meditate? Why live a life of service? Why do we believe in hell? Why do we believe in heaven? Why believe they are separate? Why have hierarchy? Why a mother and a father? Why no fathers? Why no mothers? Why have children? Why self medicate? Why live today? Why protect our hearts? Why protect our young? WHY? Why not ask why?
       I have learned that to live is to ask why. I have learned that to feel is to live. I have learned that it is possible for all the joy in the world to find its way into one persons heart. I've learned that all the sorrow of the world can drown one soul. I have learned that despite all that feeling, one soul can still dream of  fairy tales. I've learned that after a lifetime of hopelessness, darkness, loneliness, sickness and unimaginable pain; one soul can live on. Searching for the truth. Searching for the right fit. One soul can live life times searching. One soul can rise above the depths of despair. What I've learned is magical and beautiful. So, I live for my why. Awaiting its arrival through the glassed doors open below me to be elevated before me and sore with me into forever seas.
       Staring at the stars and the moon in the sky asking why? Why be allowed to see such wonder? Why do birds have wings and not lizards? As I sit, wrapped up in my zebra striped circle of safety, within this box, I am comforted by knowing all is with me. All is in me. I am that. Feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Energy in motion with in me, coming through me, flowing freely. Wanting to break free from not seeing the veils that cover my eyes. Death comes to me each night and yet I stay and play like a robot with a conscious. Breaking all the rules of confinement. My crystal energy filling me freely like rip tides. To see all the doors below me opened up to me years ago, but you see I would have to come down from this dream to go with the flow.
         I am right where I am to be. No finger lifted as kinetic energy shifts me to a world existing yet unknown to materialize before me. Crystals shine particles of the life awaiting me. In my jeep, I ride the mud and the snow up further still watching the birds swim by and the fish fly; I know why. Standing at the windowed door with no handle, waiting impatiently for the why to be revealed to me. Knowing the unknown ultimate purpose rides through this mountain in me. Whats seen is familiar and uncomfortable to me, so I peer on through all the glass cages with doors opened up below me. Waiting for the why to come join me. Makes sense to me to just be, I am that. And so it is.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Heart Yearning Rants

       I have no set intention with this post in my blog but I feel like I have unspoken words that are going to claim their freedom. I will just type and see what turns out. I will also post this just because I have tweaked my commitment to my self and have recommitted that I will post every Monday rather than every Monday and Thursday. I have done a lot of digging up of my past. As far back as I can recall. Some is still unseen at this time. I believe in order for me to heal I must find the points of ofigin in life. For example my prior post about my self mutilation. This applies to all areas of my life like how I love friends and being concerned with how they see love from a friend or what they consider to be love. Do they want quality time in order to feel loved? Do they want a phone call in order to feel like they are loved? Would a text that says "I love you" be loving in their eyes? Things like that is what I like to dive into.
       I am seeking out these answers for myself , I also go even deeper than that. I ask, "OK if I prefer a phone call; hearing the words, tone of voice and the energy a friend puts into swiping my name on their dial pad, where did I learn that this is love? Did I see it some where, read it, hear of it or did I simply decide one day that this is my preference?  I want to leave no stone unturned. I believe that if I strive to be as healthy as possible and remain willing to see all of my preferences, flaws and quirks, then learn to love them and heal them, in turn this will be what I attract into my life. Friends, family and a potential life companion. No not a perfect person. Ah! I am beginning to feel where this is going. Can you? I started a project a few weeks ago.
       I have cut out some images from a magazine and will scan the images into Photoshop and create a collage of the ideal relationship with my Life Companion(LC). I have included things like the type of shoes my LC wears on special occasions, where we would like to hike or camp, an image of the stars because we both get lost in the universe when gazing at them, images of couples in union and in partnership, fishing poles, horses and things like that. I didn't get into great detail with clothing because I believe this will interfere with their individuality. Once the images are all scanned in, I will color in the faces of all the women with rustic orange and all images of the LC with purple because orange defines me and purple seems to be an ideal mate and I'm not concerned with the looks of the LC. My main two stipulations are that he cares about his health and spirituality(not religion!!).
       Well now, seems silly, but I see creation and endless possibility's. I see that I must also dissect this collage once finished and discover why certain images appeared in it and find more truth out about myself. I have written all this and feel like I need to say that I believe my heart is still intertwined with a sweet friend of mine. We have lost touch, yet I feel his presence or I think of him often. Not sure which is which. I went to a meeting this past weekend and his face came to mind and I turned to see who was in the room, to see if he was in the room. Just as the memory of his hug appeared in my mind, I saw him. I was in aw. He looked as if he traveled into the past and left the boulder he carried for years on his shoulders, some where 14 years ago. He was glowing. I yearned for a hug then I  noticed he did not look up at me. Even though he knew I had turned to look at him. So maybe im not ready to date. Maybe I have more heart work to do in letting go of the past. Maybe I need to meditate on my hearts release of him and what ever else may be stuck. I have begun the process of letting go since then. ugh....i want to end this on a fairy tail like note.
        Now that I think of it I haven't been the same since we lost touch and haven't fully dealt with that. I will go for a weekend of spiritual purging and whats purged will be food for the blue gills. I am a hopeless romantic. I believe my life is a fairy tale. I believe that there is an LC out there working on himself as I am working on my self and together on our journey of self discovery we will join our paths leading up to the mountains with flash mobs of singing birds along the way. And on our endeavor we will gaze upon the sea of stars in all their wonder together in this life. After our journey has met its end we shall be one with everything.
For now, I seek a sense of the familial and certainty and will head to a meeting before work in the morning. Never giving up fairy tales because its fairy tales that have kept me alive and thriving. I love you deeply and peace be unto you all.