Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Self Love

       What in the world does self love look like? How am I to act it out? What do I say or do? How do I carry myself with self love? These are all questions I have asked myself in the past and some in the present. I have learned there are many ways to act out self love. I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine and she stated she didn't even know how or what loving herself looked like. Naturally, I wanted to fill her in on the many different ways, but instead i recalled up what that question felt like. To me at one point those words falling on my ears was much like a fish hook catching an un-pierced ear lobe. 
       Some would say to me, " You just need to learn how to love your self", and I would explode at them verbally. "WTF does that mean!?!?" is what I was saying. So in my experience I began to take apart my insecurities. Not all at once, yet little by little I began to look at my physical behavior to put words to the way I was carrying myself. Why am I insecure about the way I look? Why do I look down when I walk? Why cant I look people in the eyes when I speak to them? Why do I feel jealous of friends and their happiness? I began to wonder when and how, did I pick these negative tapes  up about myself? This is when I began to learn about loving myself. I was willing and no one was shoveling wordy BS down my throat.
       I became very aware of my body language and my fidgety ways or nervous habits.Negative self talk is the negative chatter that only you can hear in your head. Lets say that you, the one reading this right now, has absolutely no negative self talk, but you fidget. As you read this right now your flicking your fingernails or your sitting at the dining room table and your leg is bouncing at 90Mph. This is in a way distracting you from a thought or feeling. Self soothing so to speak. I learned that the best time for me to see my self clearly was when I was in the comforts of home.  I noticed the T.V. was always on or the radio or the ipod. There was always some kind of noise that I intentionally sought after once getting home.
       What did that tell me? This told me that I was not comfortable in the silence, that I did not want to face what my mind had to offer. Our physical behaviors can also be our negative self talk. Not always because some of our fidgeting is what we have learned from a favorite parent or adult from childhood. Another fidgeting behavior I see often is when some one is walking or even standing still and they tug at the bottom of their shirt often. Although it is subtle it is noticeable. That could possibly be that the persons uncomfortable in their own skin or they are self conscious of the extra five pounds they discovered on them that morning.  Maybe a woman A swishes her hair about a lot. Maybe that woman saw woman B, a very beautiful woman do the same thing and subconsciously woman A picked up the behavior . Putting words to it I would say that every time she swishes her hair she feels as beautiful as woman B. Maybe she was insecure about her own beauty and because woman A now swishes her hair like woman B, she feels prettier than she did before swishing her hair.
        The beautiful thing for me was that when I became willing to see myself, I discovered negative tapes about myself I didn't even know were there. Once I discovered these tapes I then became empowered to change them. I saw my fidgeting and asked myself questions like, "what am I really feeling when I want to do this?". Another thing I would do is starve the behavior. For example I was one who would be sitting still and my leg would be bouncing 90Mph. Depending on the situation and if there was time to actually think about it I would stop the behavior and listen to my body. If there wasn't time to focus on the behavior I would simply fight the urge to do it. Either way, I would look at the situation and myself. I would ask myself what am or was I feeling at that moment?
       At first when I stopped the behavior I would tense up else where in my body. For me this was a clear sign that I needed to really pick this apart and find the words to describe what was really going on inside me. I believe that if you successfully starve the behavior and there are no further symptoms popping up in any other part of your body than its probably a learned behavior and not a negative tape with out words. If you manage to make any discoveries about yourself then congratulations! Learning about our habits, the ways we carry ourselves and uncovering any negative tapes is a huge step towards loving yourself.
       Please remove the label of wrong or right when trying this out because its a limiting belief that has been handed down to you by someone who may have had negative tapes themselves. If your sitting there reading this saying,"This is stupid and whats this supposed to get me?"... I would say to you I understand how you feel and you are worthy of giving this a shot. You are worthy of giving yourself a shot! If I want to receive love in an astounding way from another human beings I must be willing to do these things for myself. I am a work in progress. I continue to discover stuff I didn't realize was there. When I make these discoveries sometimes I may feel a bit of humility, then, I remember that each new discovery is empowering. I am loving myself more and more by identifying, embracing and embarking on the empowering journey of self discovery. The more I uncover the more I recover.Its gets easier with time and practice. I love you and good luck.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Secure Energy

       I posted a situation I went through recently on Facebook that many misunderstood as my being unsafe. The probable cause for the misunderstanding is that I may not of explained it to the best of my ability and or that the readers perception would not allow a different perspective. Judging by the amount of comments and likes of this post I decided to blog on the subject of "Secure Energy".  I am going to share some of my experiences and some experiences of others to help clarify my position on the subject matter. I have also researched the definition of the words Safety and Security. They are as follows: Safety- 1: the condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause danger, risk, or injury.  2: a device (as on a weapon or a machine) designed to prevent inadvertent or hazardous operation. Security- 1: the state of being free from danger or threat. 2: things done to make people or places safe. 
         I spoken with several people about what they believe it means to be safe. My questions were: Do you plan ahead for an unsafe situation? What does being safe mean to you? The answers were quite interesting. Some would tell stories of others and describe their situation and what had happen. Others became some what tense in explaining the necessary need for mace or pepper spray and others hadn't even thought about stuff like that. So I thought to myself is the reason they didn't think about their physical safety because they have never had a situation that placed them at risk for harm or was it a feeling they had installed in their etheric compass? Thus leaving them to feel secure at all times.
       Jumping right into the etheric compass explanation; I've learned through experience that if I fear it, it will happen. What does this mean? Well I believe we are made up of energy. There is an energy that causes our hearts to beat. We can cause a kinetic reaction with our bodies. For example static electricity. There are time when thinking of a person who we haven't seen or heard from in a while, causes them to cross our paths and we say "what a coincidence you have been on my mind the past couple of days and here you are!" I can think of plenty more examples. I hope you can see the point. Fear creates a certain powerful energy within us. No matter how minute the fear may be. If when it popes up in mind and our bodies react I would call that powerful energy. Example lets just say that your worst fear is of being abducted by aliens(lol), the thought pops in mind and your chest immediately gets tight and stomachs in knots, shoulders tense up and your breathing staggers for the duration of thought. How does your body react to your worst fear? Take a moment to find out by thinking of it and feeling your body's reactions to your fear. Then think of some thing that makes you super happy and see what that does to your body.
       Pretty powerful I must say. Had you ever realized how your body reacts to a minute though? Not many people realize that their body is affected by thoughts of fears, joy and sadness. Either way its all energy we are experiencing. We place a large amount of energy on our fears and very little on the joys of life. We fear things that are in the future. We still fear things behind us. We fear the very next moment. Thats a lot of wasted energy. For me when I identify a fear I like to find the root cause of it and break it down so that I can see it clearly. Once I identify the fear I am better equipped to demolish it. This does not happen over night but with energetic effort (action, meditation and some rational thinking)I am victorious. Fearing for your physical safety looks many different way to many different people. 
       I remember when I had to walk a couple miles(seemed like it was that far) at 4:30am and it was very much like night out there. There were quite a few times when I would be followed by vehicles along the way. I decided that I needed to protect myself and began to carry a knife. As soon as I carried that knife these situations quickly escalated to the point in which I had the knife in my hand and it was open ready to be used. These men had not only followed me but they started circling around the block and getting out of their vehicle to approach me. I was scared. I am grateful today that I never once envisioned myself actually fending them off. Another incident is when I answered  my front door. I knew it was my neighbor. She had her dog with her and I feared that dog. Its never attacked me or my dog at that time and I hadnt heard stories of the dog ever attacking anyone in the past. I feared this dog would bite me some day. Well I opened up the front door and saw the dog so I wedged my leg in the door way so it couldnt get at my dog. Within two minutes of our conversation the dang dog bit my leg. 
       I feared for my safety and brought a knife. I had the knife and my safety was even more at risk. I feared the dogs attack and took measures to protect myself from it and the dog bit. If you don't need a lawyer don't have one on retainer . Hope you get the analogy. So regarding my facebook post... things were suggested to me. Like carry pepper spray and or get a gun. I believe in the etheric energy we carry. I believe in the law of attraction. I believe that if I carry pepper spray I am inviting an opportunity to use it. See because of fear we take action. When we act on that fear it then at that moment becomes a reality. Now, all that's left is waiting on the moment to protect our selves from our fear.  Then we find our selves saying " I sure am glad I had that pepper spray!". The same is true of relationships. You were hurt deeply by an ex and have a fear that it will happen again. When you get into the new relationship your fear comes with you and you have your guards up(fear in action) the new relationship is then already tainted and or doomed. I could dive so much deeper in to the subject of energy and the law of attraction as they pertain to my life. There is so much more clarity to be had in this blog but I am Secure in knowing I've done my best for this moment at this time. Overall I am secure with exactly where I am in this life time. Thank you for reading.  

Monday, February 9, 2015

The Elevator

       Over the years I've had a recurring memory. It seemed like its just a memory, so I've never taken a closer look at it. Its not that I didn't care about it or that it caused some guilt/ shame or pain when its popped up. I simply saw it as a memory; a fuzzy four year olds memory.  This blog is not meant to cause mom or grams any shame either. My intent is to show that our thoughts and memory of something we may think to be, minute may hold a much deeper meaning. A key so to speak. Well, this seems to be my case.
       The event proceeding this memory is short and quick. I was instructed by my grandmother to go and wake up Grandpa Archie because breakfast was ready. I ran downstairs and it was dark in the basement. A trickle of light came through the blue window curtain and it was just enough to see where I was in the room. I called out to grandpa Archie and he rolled over to face me and gave me a kiss. All I remember is yucky! It was wet. Then he swung his legs over the bed and on to the floor. Scooped me up and hugged me and again all I could think was yucky! His pee pee poked me in the leg or something like that. I pushed away from him and he put me down. I turned and ran back up stairs. I told grandma. The memory of that is short and complete. My intuition sensed his actions as being bad. My instinct said run and tell.  So I did.
       In this vision we are on an elevator. Mom, Grandma and myself. The elevator is yellow, florescent lighting and the floor was a  dull silver or grey; the kind with the raised up etchings that kind of looked like X's.  I believe we were going to an ENT appointment for me.  Mom had my left hand in her right and Grandma had my right in her left. I remember how big the elevator was to me. I remember looking up at mom and grandma; they were as tall as giants. The light in the elevator created halos around their heads they were so tall. They truly were giants in my eyes and in my life. Of the two, I was most fond of Grandma La La. She was soft and kind. She would teach me things about cooking and seemed to always be soft spoken. She called me mija; a spanish term of endearment. Warm and fuzzy is how she made me feel when we were together. I dont recall this when I look back at mom. Yet, I do remember wanting to be just like her. I wanted to smell like her and loved her hair. Her hands were beautiful and she always had beautiful nails.
       On the elevator I remember my left hand being jerked back past my side and my hair flinging about. I see moms hair hanging past her left shoulder as she leaned down closer to melooking at me and questioning me. I remember thinking how beautifully straight and shiny it was. Something is wrong. I felt like my hart was being choked by her grip on my wrist. She's angry at me. Looking into her eyes I became so scared. I remember I started to freeze up inside. "What happned to mommy she looks different", is what I thought. Grams still has my right hand but I dont hear her. I don't really feel her presence next to me. Mom is asking me if im telling the truth but shes so mad. At me. I started to feel heavy. My head was like a boling ball on my shoulders. I was so scared, heavy and lonely. I couldnt see anything other than her. My arm went numb and I couldnt feel it any more but I knew mommy was jerking my wrist with each word she said.
       Then finally Grandma La La said ,"Mija do you want Grandpa Archie to get into trouble, because that's whats going to happen?" Now, I just couldn't look up any more. I was heavy and didn't want them to look at me any more. I wanted to be invisible. All I could see was a wall of my hair on both sides of my face. I didnt feel safe anymore. I wanted to run away but the elevator doors wouldn't open. So, I stared at the floor of the elevator. Scared and my heart was choking with pain. I didn't feel grandma any more but I know she was there. I just wanted them to Love me again. I wanted my mommy back and so I lied. I said that it wasn't true and claimed to have made it all up. At this moment, I felt unloved, abandoned, no longer trusted my intuition and instincts. I felt like I was bad. For the first time in my four years of life I began to hate myself. While mom was squeezing my wrist and grams seemed to have disappeared I started saying I hate you. Quietly in my mind I said it over and over," I hate you! I hate you!" I was looking at my feet saying I hate you.
       For years I had hated my body. For years I have doubted myself. For years I have wanted to be invisible. For years I have felt unsafe and insecure. Only recently have I come to see that for years I have mutilated my feet.  I have worked through loving my self enough to love the skin im in. Yet my feet have always brought me shame, hate and self disgust. Paying attention to this one recurring memory  has brought a point of origin. To me, when I am able to recover the origin, I have also found the key means to an end. I realize that since this time in the elevator I have doubted my intuition and instincts. Yes, I have gained some, but this sorting of the memory has brought me the key to understanding why and how I can reconnect. I know that when I have followed my intuition my heart races and I tense up, because once long ago I was convinced that it was bad. I am now working on loving and trusting my intuition as good natural and whole. Eventually my intuition will be as natural as my breathing. My heart may or may not race, I may or may not tense up and I will once again utilize my voice for my truth.
       I made this connection at SOS INC.ORG this past Saturday night. I followed my intuition and trusted myself. I was asked to write about a time when I was changed at my core. I then was immediately flooded with The Elevator memory. So I said to my self I am willing to dive deeper into this memory because its resurfaced again. Then, I thought you never know where it will lead. I accepted my willingness and began to believe it held a key to something great. So I wrote 10-12 pages about The Elevator which lead to another 4-5 pages about the mutilation of my feet. I will no longer mutilate my feet. In so many ways the act of picking on my feet to point of them bleeding, getting infected and being sore for days was a way of punishing myself for the harms Ive done throughout my life, for the pain I've caused myself and because in a small way I still hated Me.
       I will speak kindly of my feet and remember that it is this pair of feet that have carried me to this point in time and to this very blog. This past weekend I have shed another layer. I feel vulnerable and I am accepting this vulnerability as healthy and good. I don't feel hidden or shameful any more. I am simply learning to love the real me. Keeping my chin up and voice heard. Learning to trust myself once again learning about my intuition and what its teaching me daily. If you too are having a recurring memory, please give your self permission to look at it more closely. There may be some unexpected freedom in it for your life and it may even lead you into a healthier life direction. Thank you Gretna and Pennie for your sacrifice. Most of all thank you Zac for making your presence known to me through out SOS at Zac's Ridge.