Thursday, January 22, 2015

My sweet little girl. Your all grown up now. You have been for ten thousand years. I miss you. I have missed you for as  long as you have been grown. Some times I feel like we are worlds apart, literally. I remember your sweet face and the way you would kiss me all the time on my cheeks. I remember hugging you often and not once did you ask me to stop. I remember when you would come home from school and you couldn't wait to get out of those cloths and relax. I remember when you walked home, for what seemed like one hundred miles from school with a chewed up tennis ball in your hand, and you found a seed that had sprouted that you had placed inside of the ball with a hand full of dirt you poured around it. I remember you asking me for your favorite dish of veggies. I remember that time you had an awards ceremony and got all the awards there were to be had but one; the perfect attendance award. I remember laughing and crying because I was so proud of you and at the same time I was not surprised that you did get them all.

You are amazing. I am still very proud of you.

Time for me to come clean with you about a few things. On December 20th 2010, I received an email from your father and your mother pleading me to let you and your sister live with them. He said he would never ask me for anything and that he would continue child support for one year to help me get back on my feet. What the drunk in me heard when I read that was I had drinking money and my drinking would no longer effect you girls. He said he would never keep you from me and that he would make sure we kept communicating. I also thought that your father had to offer all the things I didn't. A home, a family and stability. That evening your sister went to a friends house and what I remember is still a bit fuzzy because I was drunk. Not an excuse just a fact. I remember how hard it had become to communicate with your sister and feeling like I had lost all hope at doing anything good for her. The evening I read his email my gut reaction made me angry and sick.

Then I thought that there was nothing else I could do to help either of you. I felt like In order to save you from the road your sister was traveling down I had to let you both go. I couldn't stand the thought of separating you two. I also knew I would get worse with my drinking and drugging. This was the start of a very dark time for me. I know it was painful for you too.I remember the airport like it was yesterday. It is so clear to me. I remember fighting my urge to drink that morning. I didn't want you girls to miss the flight. So I had some wine in the trunk of the car ready for me to drink after I took you girls to the airport. I remember that look in your eyes. You were so scared and so sad. I couldn't wait for that plain to start boarding. I wanted this moment to evaporate. Some how, I knew that that would be the end of my Kory as I knew her. I knew I would not be seeing your sweet innocent face for a very long time.

The plain boarded you girls. I stood at the window feeling like I was about to die. I was empty. Fully empty. I had no more reason to live. I had no purpose in life. I felt like I just threw away the very reason for breathing. I felt like a failure and that's when I remembered I had wine in the car. So like a switch, I flipped off the hysterical crying and headed out of the airport straight for the car to drink. I slammed 3 bottles down my throat and had only one left for the ride home. I hoped I never made it home that day. I didn't want to face the emptiness. I didn't want to face the fact that where we three lived was no longer going to feel like our home. No where I go feels like it did when I had you girls. So for almost two and a half years I lived swimming in wine. I lived with out electricity, I lived in a garage not equiped for living, I lived with strangers; I just didn't care about me any more. I just wanted to stop feeling I only wanted to drink. I don't think I drew one sober breath into my lungs. I drank because I wanted death. I went to jail three times because of my drinking. I remember a couple of times when your sister was upset with me after you guys had moved, because I said no to something and she cursed me out over the phone and I called your dad back and bitched at him. I remember saying stuff like don't ever have them call me back if all they think i'm good for is money. Something along those lines is what I said and yes drunk again, as usual. I come to find out that he let you girls hear those messages.

I know that at twelve, if I heard my mother say those things in a voice mail, I would hate her too. I also know I would be hurt deeply and my anger for her would grow in order to protect my heart from feeling rejected and like garbage.
I know this experience has given birth to some negative tapes in your heart.
I know I hurt you so bad that now you hate me.

I've missed so much of your life already. I know I could never get that back. I know there is no way I could ever in this life time make it up to you or erase the pain I have caused you. All I can ask for now is your forgiveness. A chance to apologize to your beautiful grown up face and a chance to hug you again. Even if  it is once and for the last time. I just want to apologize and do my best to show you my remorse for the pain I've caused you. I miss you dearly. I think of you often. I hope one year you will be present when I receive a yearly chip for sobriety. This March 8th,  I will receive my two year chip for sobriety. Again, I will speak of my hopes for us and what I have done. I love you Kory.

Love your birth mother,
Korrine Rico
A determined and Motivated woman trusting the power within.