Thursday, December 24, 2015

An Rx for change

        Good morning beautiful readers. It has been a tad bit over a month since I have created a post. An enormous amount of change has occurred in that time frame. All of it has been a part of the process of evolution and self awareness. Although most of it was initially hard and humiliating, its all accumulated to an enormous amount of growth. I realized many unhealthy realities about myself and have walked away from a few unhealthy people.

        I have been struggling emotionally and spiritually since the end of may. I see the time frame from then through the early part of November, as a very slow moving elevator ride down to a new bottom. A bottom of which would reveal its self as a much needed miracle. When I finally hit this new bottom it seems as though a veil had been lifted from my heart and light visible to my  eyes. There was one event in particular which occurred in the second week or so of November, that triggered a full blown panic attack, a full onset of anxiety and this event also revealed I had PTSD.

        I was not aware of this in the moment or in the week and a half following. Yet signs of these facts were evident and the universe, my God, our creator had been communicating with me where to place my footing next. The second week of November I realized my mind would continuously rehash things that were said and the looks on peoples faces that had been involved during that first weekend of November. In specification the phrase "there is nothing wrong with you. I don't ever worry about you", kept ringing uncontrollably between my ears. I couldn't understand why this was said because it had nothing to do with my question for clarity when it had been said.

        Nearly one week after that event, all this emotional psychological blender shit was nonstop and I  couldn't figure out why. I was nearly unsuccessful in recovering from it. I was frustrated with the way my mind was beginning to sound like I was insane. I asked for answers and I really did get them. I recall turning on the TV to divert my minds focus. When I did I heard PTSD talk. I decided that that was not something I wanted to watch or hear. Opened up the cable guide and surfed for a movie as I did this I muted the volume on the TV. I found a channel and hit enter. God presented yet another sign for me in the form of a commercial talking about anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Now I was even more frustrated. I muted it once again. In the silence I heard it again. PTSD and panic attacks.

        I was being shown the problem and I was not willing to consider that I was a candidate for any of these things. I have this generalized tape on panic attacks, anxiety and especially on PTSD. I thought that the only people who struggle with PTSD are military personnel. The other tape was on panic attacks. The image that pops into my mind when ever I hear about panic attacks is of a woman hyperventilating and calling a lot of attention to herself with noises and crazed body movements. Boy o boy was I way off.  I spent the next few days running around town seeking medical attention.

       That experience was like moving several mountains, as it was me putting forth the effort to be personally responsible for my own wellbeing, health and happiness. I blamed no one and left the responsibility up to non other than myself. I was humiliated on several occasions and turned away repeatedly. However, I was not deterred from seeking medical attention. I had my self respect to fight for and I was determined and motivated to do it while trusting the power within myself to carry me through. After all the universe had presented the problem in neon signs and in the form of tv as well as that still comforting voice. There was no denying. I also caved and researched signs and symptoms of the three things I had been shown. It was me that I was reading about. Almost exactly.

        I knew if I kept pressing on I would be provided for. So I did just that and exactly that is what I received. I climbed out of the pit I woke up in and when I did there was so much support offered, clarity given and medication enlisted. Today I am not fighting a battle I am creating a bright promising future, while being raised by a community that hides a wolf or two in its midst. I am back full force. I have no shame in taking medication to find balance. I am also learning about the triggers and learning how to cope with the panic attacks, managing anxiety and discovering the triggers for this thing called PTSD.

       I have also discovered that social media is not ok with me any more. Ive done away with most of the " Friends" on Facebook and haven't heard a word from any of them. Which proves to me my point in deleting. Social media provided a false sense of connection and friendship. The reality is there really is no connection its all just a dog and pony act.

Thank  you all for your support and patients.
Happy Holidays! Happy New Year & Merry Christmas!
Peace Be.
Your sister,



Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Learning to love .......SELF

       I've clued into my current path and the direction its taken me. For the past couple years I've been learning to let things go. Let go of people, addictions, bad habits, hurts, anger, self degradation and more. I think you get it. During this time frame poor choices, when it comes to love were evident. Self love, relational love, intimate love and . . . I'm sure you get the gist. The neon sign that God/ universe/ higher power, was holding up in my face was that it was time to start letting love in and learn how to stop pushing it away. BUT NOPE!!! I DIDNT GET IT! Relationship after relationship I recklessly abandoned my own well being. Humiliating.

         I discovered I was stuck in this vicious cycle of self degradation. AAhh!!! Still?! One relationship was blasting a neon light that said, "Korrine you have some serious issues with self deception, loyalty and integrity!" Did I see this at the time? Heck no! I was a volunteer victim. Stuck in the land of closed eyes while looking the other way saying  he cheated this and lied about that and so on. Ha ha! I laugh at how I chose to see back then. I'm still learning!! I was not willing to be fully accountable for my own wellbeing. Looking outside myself for acceptance, approval, grace and unconditional love. The dreaded words, "if only" were a regular part of my vocabulary. Words are powerful acts of creation!! Hello!

       One of my rules with myself while raising my daughters was to be sure I did not tell them they were bad or dirty etc. Some of this was definitely self projection. Poor girls. I forgive myself. Yes its that easy to create change. Start with the way you treat yourself, your words and the words you frequently hear, weather in your own conversation or the conversation you may be eves dropping in on. We are responsible for making ourselves feel worthy and valuable. Our loved ones are a support of the fact or can be a reflection of how we really feel about ourselves. They are not responsible for "making" us feel or do anything. That's finger pointing. There is a reason its being spotted/heard at that present moment. These truths may hurt but are meant to free us up out of stagnation.

      Break free of the monotony of Facebook games/stalking or the preverbal, "oh who text me", only to become upset because its not from who we wish to receive affirmation, discounting the divinity in the moments, which are providing what we deeply yearn for but are missing because we're too busy with our cell phones, Android watches, TV shows or simply too busy trying to make it happen. My fingers cramping, (Hows that big ass sentence a mirror to our lives?). Looking in all the wrong places and feeling worst in the end. The spiritual void grows and pretty soon we're back to being robots not even shitting in the moment while our source of energy is refueled mechanically and without passion automatically drawn to missing the moment, spending barrowed time on a wasted legacy. WTF is that?!?! Yet I still do it. I spot it because. . . .??

       The other relationship emphasized that I was abandoning myself. This time I was willing to see the truths before me. First I honored my self and soul by grieving the loss of a lie I had found a false sense of security, significance and control in and hurt from what id put myself through. Talking to others who lifted me up when I saw no end in the tunnel helped. I allowed my self to be soaked up like a cotton ball draws up moisture, when I was a sobbing mess. Trusting myself enough to feel and allowing that blessing to wash over me like a shower of rain in the jungle. Forgiving repeatedly myself and the other victim. Then clarity set in and there was no denying myself the truth revealed to me.

        Kudos to me for choosing to see and further more for taking action. Yes, I applaud myself because I am learning to love me. No one can love you the way you deeply desire. That deep desire is spotted by you in you because ........" you spot it you got it", in this case we are capable of loving ourselves the way we desire. Once we learn how to do this and are willing to see all the ways needing tweaking, the rest of the world seems a bit more at peace and the tsunami of your heart is more like a running river. We are the worlds first and best examples of how we like to be treated. By both the way we treat ourself and the way we treat others. Learned that from Lisa Nichols.  Ok, off the tangent. Maybe, I can never tell.

        I started to see that I clearly had no regard for my emotional safety, spiritual health and overall physical wellbeing. Looking to my recent history I see a lost broken woman stumbling around a mass pit with corpses scattered throughout it in various stages of decay. She's stumbling around for her shovel. What I realized with this relationship is that, although not as harshly as in the recent past, I was still recklessly abandoning these fruits I've been blessed with. I chose not to justify this with a complacent comment such as, " well at least I've progressed." No that's bull doo dooo! An excuse to be stagnant. No not me. I firmly believe that if I've spotted it its because its the next step in spiritual evolution(or something I have/ have yet to realize I've got.) and any hesitation that occurs "as a result of" this revelation is fearful ego and cowardly pride.

       I have no intention of sending the message that this is all easy. Its hard, challenging and uncomfortable and sometime when I unveil a negative tape I wasn't consciously aware of I can feel humiliation; which for me is like a sign that im being too hard on myself and a little self grace would be nice. To accomplish that I'd recall how hard I worked to not feel, blame others and self medicate. Took a but heaping of an effort to remember to try this and after a time this practice became just another  healthy way to process. I remember at that moment that I am learning to trust myself and that I am accountable for my wellbeing.

        The very act of revealing the negative tape or behavior is like winning a gold medal because we've just unveiled the key to changing the behavior.  I take all the nervous energy and use it to create new synopsis(action overriding the fear) within the emotion connected to the most impactful memory in relation; which has stifled the ability to relate that surge of emotion to a positive impactful experience. I hope this is clear to some one else. This is so new to me in personal experience that I'm still learning how to express this experience with clarity. God said we are creators and this is how I self create and then turn around and share my experience with you. I am you . We are the I AM.

        Ever feel like you have met your soul mate ahead of schedule? Maybe many life times before they were ready, yet you know how special you are that you believe and know in your soul that you are just that special. Special enough to have the rare opportunity to have met your twin soul, the flame that sets the world a tilt on its axis? Just asking.....ha ha. Ok I ask because I know I'm not alone in this divine experience. I want to hear about your experience of how you were thrust forward in your spiritual evolution. I want to hear how mountains were moved in you and cause a chain wave reaction throughout the universe. Geez! ok I'm back. Wind blew me. I am a feather going with the flow effortlessly.

       My overall point is that each and every life experience is our personal connection to our spirituality, our divinity, our creativity, our creator, the same creative energy source that keeps this globe a float. I love my self that much more when I chose to see the truth about the self. I love myself more when I chose to forgive. I love myself that much more when I forgive repeatedly. I love myself that much more when I refuse to point the finger and play victim. I love myself that much more when I allow my self the blessing of fully experiencing the moment. I love myself that much more when I chose feeling over reaction.   I love myself that much more when I chose to face my ego and pride. I love myself that much more when I chose to see what's before me. I love myself that much more when  I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY OWN THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND ACTIONS!!!

BTW....... I love talking about these experiences. This fires burn is self sufficient when its ambers are carried by the wind. KCR

Please... follow and share someone you know may need to read that they are aliens and that they are powerful creators.
Tee Hee. . . .

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Boxer Mastiff

My dog has been acting weird lately. We have moved to a new location recently and about a week and a half later she stopped following me around every where. Instead, she follows my room mate around. When my room mate leaves she goes to my roommates room and sleeps till she gets back home. Once my roommate is home she's right back to following her around.
       So I've been kind of jealous. What gives and why is my pooch following someone else around and acting as if she had a new human. Then I was like well I'm not good for her and I must scare my pooch because she doesn't like me any more. I'm a bad mommy.

       Then the truth set in when I chose to be willing to see what my dog was telling me about my own behavior. I'm a sensitive empath. I believe my dog is also a sensitive. She senses when I'm in an anxiety state spiritually. She fears that negative energy as I fear the same in other humans. So why wouldn't I expect that she would fear me? If my dog had a voice she would tell me that I am toxic for her.

        I would have to admit she would be absolutely right. I've been so stressed lately, no appetite, tunnel visioned, easily agitated and just plain old touchy. My weight has plummeted off of my body. I'm taking it all out on myself , my dog and the people who love me. This is not ok. No matter what my excuses are I have no reason to treat people the way that I have been.

       I've been intentionally trying to send people messages that they are not important and like they don't matter to me. Why you ask? Because I am the one who feels like I don't matter. I am the one who doesn't feel important or significant. Now that I realize this and the fact that I have an amends or few to make, the question is what the heck can I do to change the way I feel? No body can fix this but me. I have the power and the know how. So why the hell haven't i dropped this negative life tape?

        Seems as though when I fail at something or don't get what I want, I throw a hissy fit by treating others the way I have been. Changing this tape means I have to physically alter my state. When I was younger I'd fail a grade and get beaten bad, have ugly words thrown at me, was looked at in a way that instilled fear in me for as long as I can remember. So I found a point of origin & now I have found the key to change this freaking behavior if I don't I will wind up without loved ones in my life because they would have no choice but to love me from a distance because I would have fought to the death to push all the good away. All because i believed a lie I was shown and told many moons ago. I've over come the I'm not worth a damn tape yet I'm still acting it out.

       I'm humiliated by this revelation yet this could prove to be the very thing that sets me free from the prison of my mind. I've learned to be positive in the face of some pretty diverse moments so I can definitely squash this negative tape. This must be what it means to let love in. That's scary. I actually want to cry. I thought I had been letting love in. I guess I was controlling it kinda like a water faucet. My hand on the knob turning it on to just a tad bit faster than a trickle. I want it to fucking burst wide open and carry me away.

        My conclusion is that yet again I have stood in the way of my own success. My prescription is to get out of my own way, be grateful for what i have and appreciate what i don't while respecting this moment in time for what it is.... energy in motion better known as creation.

I intend that I am consciously aware of the energy I am manifesting and that that energy it's used for the highest good.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Life . . . . . . . .

This is a scary time for me. In three short months I've lived under 4 different roofs. I haven't found stable work and I've been looking frivolously. Found a couple and one was corrupt so I declined. The other lasted a week. There only negative was highlighted.
Here I am looking once more. I've got a month to find another working place. This is scary.

I'm in a home with no face and roots that go no where.
A few thousand will prove to cure the cardboard roof above my head.
Do I work for me; helping others see or slave to the corporate creep?
I yearn for home and search the globe.
I'm in this scary place with so much gloom outside.
Heart beating for some comfort. Dreams almost shattered in me.
When I speak it bleeds.
Gotta do something about this cardboard box.
I'm exposed to the fox.
So I'll hide in the Rosicrucian box.
Afraid of the what if's and what not's.
Soles made of sticky paper.
Moving forward slowly as if a steam roller.
Its not right or wrong, good or bad, its just different.
Forward like a courageous lion.
Forward as in progress.
Forward as in up not down.
Forward as in without fear.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Fearless . .... ...

Sitting in this cloud the music's so loud,
twisted finger typing and there's no sound.
Get clearer in my head,
but once I'ma outta bed.
Bluebird wings floored outside
absent in heavenly body.
Have I just received a gift or
have I witnessed the birth of a premonition?
Clarity fills me like smoke does my lungs.
The hearts rocking this chair,
feels like breathing hair.
Silks fly still above,
like a hovering mother.
Clouding blue skies
with every cloud
stabbing my back.
Casting shadows, casted out.
Courageous is as she's done.
Hearts flying,
suspended mid air
in a time warp
where clarity is
a foggy haze and
actions rest on
our highest intention.
Acting fearlessly
as we proceed!       

Tuesday, June 30, 2015


Missing you my friend.  My head bends over seas of glass animals. Arousing sharp edged crested waves of pinpointed hurt in the heart of my soul. Reaching the depths where no man knows. Guarded by wind soldiers throwing boulders deep into me. Seas of turmoil boiling over occasional rip tides. Dare not rub my eyes for the thorn would cause me to be blind. Having realized you reside in your mind not ever having been a friend of mine. Maybe in another life time. For now gratitude eludes me as memories of you dissipate. Blown away boulders into the depths of the sea. Reality is you are me. We are I. As one under the sun.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Be Still........

To My Heart,
Sometimes we have no choice but to sit still. We push and run throughout the day. An obvious sign that we are running from something. If only we chose to see the lessons before us along the tiresome way. He taught me that I have yet to cease to recklessly abandon myself, I learned that I too chose not to feel as I carry on with this dualistic battle within and miss out on life, I too tell myself lies. Claiming to be positive and in fact I am still a negative. So I run. And run. I constantly rush through the feelings of my heart and never really feel, thus recklessly abandoning my heart, running as I am falling apart.

So here I sit. I have no choice but to sit still. Listening to ten thousand emerald pools playing in the back ground. So I sit still diving in deeper to the heart that I feel. All I really see is you. Having to have to sit still. Here you drift into my window sill. I discovered my hearts the treasure. Although its black and blue, I will never give up on you. Love, I'm so addicted to you. Having found my heart I see that the scars deep but I love you. I'm ready for round two and I'll never give up on you. You're all I need to breathe.

So I've been forced to be still. I notice the chest tightening pain. I notice the burning in my eyes. I notice my neck tension up to my ears. I am still hurting. Why do I choose to hurt if it hurts? The bigger picture still I am loved beyond measure and its shows with the ease of effort in my displays of affection toward you. This only means that I've been to the dark side and severed all my ties and made it back from the brinks of permanently evil. Having been there and made it this far means I now know both sides of the bar. I've been to the depths of fear, now I'm here.

So I'm finally still, seeing the bigger picture through the hurt. grateful for having the moments. Not many have that in one life time. I did. The gift is I am loved beyond measure and I love even greater still. Through the hurt in heart, I see love and beauty that I can feel. My hurt from you is separate from all the other. My love, I love you so much that you have permission to feel. My heartbeats a bleeding pain. I still want to love again. I'm still and I'm letting it flow. Hurt in my chest, lump in my neck and shoulders ache. The thunder gets louder and louder.

This sweet pain. Deeper than I've ever known. Similar to one other. I see pictures of you & grow even colder. I'm still and all I see is you. In almost all I do, I see you. I elevate another level. Your still stuck with that shovel. So I hurt in a way that I can see. I can see two hearts bleeding. One is nearly in two. There is nothing I can do but look at the mirror before you. There you are my bleeding heart. With a newly formed almost healed scar. Permission to be still and simply feel again. Thank you for the lessons. Time for the next level of self care. I love you my love.
Love Me

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

My Son . . . . . . . .love you daddy

My boys writhing in pain. Unforgiving heart aches. His tired minds swimming in a pool of quick sand. Each grain a broken memory of my unforgiving torture. Like a broken toe unwilling to heal as a constant reminder of each deep rooted scar I've violently placed on his heart. My deer boy I've silenced the beat of your precious heart. Stifled the breath in your precious lungs long enough. I've taken your ability to feel and covered your heart with cement and two feet of stainless steel. I've crushed the joy out of your precious life. Placed poison at the very core of your essence.

My boy, my pride and joy. I've smothered you for far to long. I watched over your self degradation for years since I've passed. I've watched you cover every crack in the foundation around your heart. I've cried over ever time you rationalize over your glassy emotions. I've crumbled at your losses and know I'm at fault. I regret deeply ever time love passes you by. My son. . . . . . . . I can never say I apologize to you enough. Enough to heal your heart. I can never lift you up enough to fill you with the life and vibrancy you deserve. You are so precious to me. I did not know this when we were together. I truly didn't know this. I didn't have access to SOS at Zac's Ridge or Discovery Training or even Pathways to help me heal from the hurts my father placed upon my little heart.

My son, sit here on the floor with me. Sit on my lap as I wrap my loving arms around you. Allow me to now sooth you. Allow me to rock you like you have always deserved and now are in need of. Close your eyes you are safe in my spirit. Listen to my loving voice as I tell you . . . . . . . .  my son you are the most precious thing on the face of this earth. I am so proud of you. I am proud to be called your father. You are an amazing little boy. You are so gifted. I love you son. Its ok to cry right now in my arms. Cry my son let it all out. I love your precious heart. You have so much compassion for others and now its time to have compassion for yourself. Now I will show you what compassion feels like. Forgive me my son. Forgive me for all the unforgivable acts I caused you.


I've always wanted to hear you say you love me. I always want to be hugged by you. I want to be liked by you. I want to make you proud. . . . . . . .but you hurt me. You yelled at me. You kicked me. You said mean things to me. You kicked me like you kicked the dogs and cats. I'm scared of your arms. I'm scared of love. I don't know how to feel feelings. I only know anger. I like being in your arms now. I wish you were here, really really here.


Now I'm a father. I look into my boys face and something in me stirs up deep inside. I want to love him like I was never loved. There's a block in my heart. I can barely speak kindly to him. I realized that every time my boy and I are together I tense up because its a constant reminder of you and I. When I look into my boys eyes I see his deep yearning for love and hugs and I look away. I find myself easily agitated by him because every time I look into his eyes I see myself looking back at me when I was a little boy. I love him so much but don't know how to give him this love other than to say it.

Dad . . . . . . . .
I've hit a breaking point. I worry that I have become you. I fear I have your illness. I fear it so much that its now my reality. I am so scared that I will do to my son what you had done to me so long ago. Please dad . . . . . . . . hold me. Tell me im stronger than you. Tell me im good enough to live love. Tell me im worthy of being happy and healthy. Dad. Hold me tight and never let me go. Help me to feel with my heart so that I can show my sons and daughter how to love and how to be loved.

My boy . . . . . . . .
You are stronger than any man I've ever known. You are taller than me. You are kinder than me. You are stronger than me. You are precious and valuable. You are important and authentic. You love better than any man I know in our family. My son you have broken the vicious cycle. You are ten thousand times a better father than me. My boy you will come out of this gutter a new man. Keep hope alive in your heart. Cry my son. Feel it all and break the handle on the faucet so that your tears and feelings can flow free. You are so precious to me. I love you.

Daddy . . . . . . . . I love you too. I miss you.

                                  Dad....I understand now. I forgive myself. And now....
                                                               I forgive you.

Permission to feel

I've come to this valley once more to walk away from the valley's floor. Standing at the open door with a stoic look having fallen on the floor. Face first into your endless abyss of stolen lies streaming from beneath your tie. Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Not your play mate but having been played. Having dug your needle in my records heart. So bleeding I'm set free. Old mud for new blood comes into me. Transferred tragedy under my beat. I've laid hands on you like a fool and broke what clings. Was dead, dangling inside your bitter head. Wiped from your play list. KC's of the luckiest kind. Providence is mine in burning hearts. My light illuminating your empty space. The dark place of fathers treading on virgin ground. Unlost having fallen in and found all broken ground. Swallowed by fear.

Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Facing giants in the void. Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Face the giant in your void! Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Only you, only you can make you whole again!

The curse can be lifted. Gifted in heart unsmothered. Only you! Only you! Wrapped up in royal blue. Dream you dreamer. Your play mates setting sail. Get your self out of hell. Imprinted hands laid where thee has fallen. Filled with purple and covered in blue. Take off your running shoes. Write it on dissolving paper. Climb out of the well. Leave the paper dissolving in hell. Let your heart breath. Ten thousand meditations require ten thousand heart palpations. Set your history a blaze and watch it crumble to the ground. Time to set sail in ten thousand emerald pools. The heads a blazing fool and the heart is the place to embark.

Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Facing giants in the void. Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Holding heart, inner child enters dark. Face the giant in your void! Temporary loss, temporary pain.
Only you, only you can make you whole again!

Come out from the dark place and show your face to light of the crystal crown.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

I Am..... the I Am

       I am is a huge statement. Not only is it a statement to the world but its also a statement to the self. Its the most powerful three letters there ever will be. When I begin a statement with, "I am", I tend to be care full of what follows. We have some iconic examples of the words, "I Am" being used through out history. The biggest being in the bible. Crack one open and see for your self. Yes, when Jesus said I Am he meant it. Most people who believe in Jesus and or God dont act as if they are followers.
       I have learned that most of the followers of the I Am are full of fears; as most of us are, yet they tend to hide behind the fears. Rendering themselves powerless to the I am.  What the hell do I mean? What I am saying is that as a "follower" of the I Am, we could be empowered by those two words. I am ... a follower of Christ; just an example. The biggest lesson in the bible seems to be that from Jesus. He tought us that we are creators. That we have more power than we can even fathom.
       Without judgment of life sucks or I wish I were this and or that.....Here is a great way to change our circumstances, where ever you are at this moment reading this blog, take a few moments to close your eyes (no music or intentional white noise) remember a time when you felt joy or really happy. Allow all that positivity to fill you up like a glass of water would an empty cup. When you feel as though you may be full of this happy joyous feeling then hold that physical feeling within your self and think of a thing you desire to be.
       If its a monetary goal than picture your self looking at the desired amount in your bank account or in your hands and recall the smell of crisp bills. If its a chance meeting; imagine your self in the middle of this meeting in a full blown conversation. If your desire is to be in the tropics on a dream vacation; with this happy joyous feeling still full inside you picture your self there enjoying the suns rays on your skin and imagine the smells and sounds you would hear. 
       Why? Because that happy feeling that filled you up is actually the I Am with in you. Yes you are a creator. You can create your reality using your emotions. That happy joyous feeling is the power to drive things into materialization.  If you can picture it in a positive state of mind than it can become a reality. I like to mini manifest. How I do this is when I'm overcome with a really good feeling, I will say, "I am worthy of all of this joy" or "I Am healthy" or "I Am successful in all that I decide to do in life". You know that old saying," try and try again" or "if at first you don't succeed try & try again"? Well who ever it was that coined those phrases was spot on.
       There is no need to become frustrated or discouraged. That would defeat the purpose and the happy joyous feeling would be gone like a helium balloon on a windy day. If you begin to feel discouraged, stop and do something else and come back to it. Begin again with the extremely happy moment & allow it to fill you once more and once again while full of this positive energy, focus on the end result of what you desire to attain in life.
       Remember, at the end of every attempt allow it to be left in those moments. Do not drag it around through out the day thinking or planning it out. Leave it alone until the next time you have reserved to manifest. If you do not leave it alone, you may cause yourself  frustration and dis-empower the actual time you reserve each day for the new experience of invoking the happy joyous feeling for the sake of  new life creation. I would encourage you to start a special manifestation journal strictly reserved for this time and document all that you envisioned. You are gods and you are the I Am. It says so in may doctrines of many faiths. Happy creations and Peace be. Comments welcomed.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Elevated Etheric Sexuality

       Shame and guilt creep in and linger. When we think we are all done with them they seem to have nestled in another location of our minds or we have discovered yet another place its resided in our minds. They seem to cling to little things like, " Am I too short?", " am I too fat?", Do I know enough?" " Am I standing confidently enough?", " Am I too fat?", " Don't look at my feet.", " Don't look at my gut.", Don't look at the way I walk.", " Am I clean enough?", "Do I smell good?", and  Blah blah blah. I think my point is clear.  
       All these types of thoughts are guilt and shame & seem to cause us some fear. In a way we begin to feel like we are wrong or not getting it, thus increasing the feelings of guilt and shame all while feeding our fears. When we are in this emotional state of being we miss out on the moment. When we doubt ourselves we become starving children; suffering at the hand of none other than ourselves. Yes, I get that these thoughts were handed down by our elders or those who raised us, but now as adults we get to choose whats true for our own thoughts. We can choose to no longer suffer. Most of the rules we have laid out before us don't even belong to us. I am at a point in life of which I am choosing to figure out what "is" true for me.
       Starting with sex. Yup I said it... SEX! I feel like there has to be more to sex than what I know. I know what I have experienced and i know it well and can do it well. Yet I'm bored with it and would be OK living a life with out it. I am a fully functioning sexual being and can climax just fine. I know what it takes to get there and know what to do to get my partner there. Still its boring. I am at an enriched spiritual existence in life and want the sexual being within me to be enriched also. This is where fear shows up for me. In order to experience an enriched etheric sexual self  I must be willing to be vulnerable; I must be a vulnerable student and fully give of myself in the moment and do my best to not label the etheric sexual experience.
       What do I mean when I say label the etheric experience? I mean when lying there feeling vulnerable and knowing you don't know what to do or how to be simply experience it and do not get in to the mental battle of saying to your self , "what do I do now?" or "how do I act?". Simply exist and experience the new experience. Notice how all of you is responding to the moment. Any tingling? Any heart flutters? How about your fingers? Focus on the feeling and notice your breathing. An etheric sexual experience is with out labels. There is no end goal. There really is no reason to place the label of past experiences on the enriched etheric sexual experience.
       I believe accepting my self as I am is key to enriching my sexual experiences in this life. I believe letting it all go is vital to growth. This arouses fear yet my intent is that I will face it and be fully present for an enriched etheric sexual existence with out labels. Peace

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Two Years Crystal Crown

       In two years, has been a life time. What have I learned? I've learned to question everything. Why, is an OK question to ask. The only reason we are told to not ask why, is probably because the receivers of this question don't have an answer or don't know how to ask why themselves. I believe the journey in life is to include this word; why. With out the why we would not have science or cures or pain or pleasure. With out why we would all be dead. Why blog? Why wake up every morning? Why love? Why dream? Why meditate? Why live a life of service? Why do we believe in hell? Why do we believe in heaven? Why believe they are separate? Why have hierarchy? Why a mother and a father? Why no fathers? Why no mothers? Why have children? Why self medicate? Why live today? Why protect our hearts? Why protect our young? WHY? Why not ask why?
       I have learned that to live is to ask why. I have learned that to feel is to live. I have learned that it is possible for all the joy in the world to find its way into one persons heart. I've learned that all the sorrow of the world can drown one soul. I have learned that despite all that feeling, one soul can still dream of  fairy tales. I've learned that after a lifetime of hopelessness, darkness, loneliness, sickness and unimaginable pain; one soul can live on. Searching for the truth. Searching for the right fit. One soul can live life times searching. One soul can rise above the depths of despair. What I've learned is magical and beautiful. So, I live for my why. Awaiting its arrival through the glassed doors open below me to be elevated before me and sore with me into forever seas.
       Staring at the stars and the moon in the sky asking why? Why be allowed to see such wonder? Why do birds have wings and not lizards? As I sit, wrapped up in my zebra striped circle of safety, within this box, I am comforted by knowing all is with me. All is in me. I am that. Feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Energy in motion with in me, coming through me, flowing freely. Wanting to break free from not seeing the veils that cover my eyes. Death comes to me each night and yet I stay and play like a robot with a conscious. Breaking all the rules of confinement. My crystal energy filling me freely like rip tides. To see all the doors below me opened up to me years ago, but you see I would have to come down from this dream to go with the flow.
         I am right where I am to be. No finger lifted as kinetic energy shifts me to a world existing yet unknown to materialize before me. Crystals shine particles of the life awaiting me. In my jeep, I ride the mud and the snow up further still watching the birds swim by and the fish fly; I know why. Standing at the windowed door with no handle, waiting impatiently for the why to be revealed to me. Knowing the unknown ultimate purpose rides through this mountain in me. Whats seen is familiar and uncomfortable to me, so I peer on through all the glass cages with doors opened up below me. Waiting for the why to come join me. Makes sense to me to just be, I am that. And so it is.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Heart Yearning Rants

       I have no set intention with this post in my blog but I feel like I have unspoken words that are going to claim their freedom. I will just type and see what turns out. I will also post this just because I have tweaked my commitment to my self and have recommitted that I will post every Monday rather than every Monday and Thursday. I have done a lot of digging up of my past. As far back as I can recall. Some is still unseen at this time. I believe in order for me to heal I must find the points of ofigin in life. For example my prior post about my self mutilation. This applies to all areas of my life like how I love friends and being concerned with how they see love from a friend or what they consider to be love. Do they want quality time in order to feel loved? Do they want a phone call in order to feel like they are loved? Would a text that says "I love you" be loving in their eyes? Things like that is what I like to dive into.
       I am seeking out these answers for myself , I also go even deeper than that. I ask, "OK if I prefer a phone call; hearing the words, tone of voice and the energy a friend puts into swiping my name on their dial pad, where did I learn that this is love? Did I see it some where, read it, hear of it or did I simply decide one day that this is my preference?  I want to leave no stone unturned. I believe that if I strive to be as healthy as possible and remain willing to see all of my preferences, flaws and quirks, then learn to love them and heal them, in turn this will be what I attract into my life. Friends, family and a potential life companion. No not a perfect person. Ah! I am beginning to feel where this is going. Can you? I started a project a few weeks ago.
       I have cut out some images from a magazine and will scan the images into Photoshop and create a collage of the ideal relationship with my Life Companion(LC). I have included things like the type of shoes my LC wears on special occasions, where we would like to hike or camp, an image of the stars because we both get lost in the universe when gazing at them, images of couples in union and in partnership, fishing poles, horses and things like that. I didn't get into great detail with clothing because I believe this will interfere with their individuality. Once the images are all scanned in, I will color in the faces of all the women with rustic orange and all images of the LC with purple because orange defines me and purple seems to be an ideal mate and I'm not concerned with the looks of the LC. My main two stipulations are that he cares about his health and spirituality(not religion!!).
       Well now, seems silly, but I see creation and endless possibility's. I see that I must also dissect this collage once finished and discover why certain images appeared in it and find more truth out about myself. I have written all this and feel like I need to say that I believe my heart is still intertwined with a sweet friend of mine. We have lost touch, yet I feel his presence or I think of him often. Not sure which is which. I went to a meeting this past weekend and his face came to mind and I turned to see who was in the room, to see if he was in the room. Just as the memory of his hug appeared in my mind, I saw him. I was in aw. He looked as if he traveled into the past and left the boulder he carried for years on his shoulders, some where 14 years ago. He was glowing. I yearned for a hug then I  noticed he did not look up at me. Even though he knew I had turned to look at him. So maybe im not ready to date. Maybe I have more heart work to do in letting go of the past. Maybe I need to meditate on my hearts release of him and what ever else may be stuck. I have begun the process of letting go since then. ugh....i want to end this on a fairy tail like note.
        Now that I think of it I haven't been the same since we lost touch and haven't fully dealt with that. I will go for a weekend of spiritual purging and whats purged will be food for the blue gills. I am a hopeless romantic. I believe my life is a fairy tale. I believe that there is an LC out there working on himself as I am working on my self and together on our journey of self discovery we will join our paths leading up to the mountains with flash mobs of singing birds along the way. And on our endeavor we will gaze upon the sea of stars in all their wonder together in this life. After our journey has met its end we shall be one with everything.
For now, I seek a sense of the familial and certainty and will head to a meeting before work in the morning. Never giving up fairy tales because its fairy tales that have kept me alive and thriving. I love you deeply and peace be unto you all.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Self Love

       What in the world does self love look like? How am I to act it out? What do I say or do? How do I carry myself with self love? These are all questions I have asked myself in the past and some in the present. I have learned there are many ways to act out self love. I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine and she stated she didn't even know how or what loving herself looked like. Naturally, I wanted to fill her in on the many different ways, but instead i recalled up what that question felt like. To me at one point those words falling on my ears was much like a fish hook catching an un-pierced ear lobe. 
       Some would say to me, " You just need to learn how to love your self", and I would explode at them verbally. "WTF does that mean!?!?" is what I was saying. So in my experience I began to take apart my insecurities. Not all at once, yet little by little I began to look at my physical behavior to put words to the way I was carrying myself. Why am I insecure about the way I look? Why do I look down when I walk? Why cant I look people in the eyes when I speak to them? Why do I feel jealous of friends and their happiness? I began to wonder when and how, did I pick these negative tapes  up about myself? This is when I began to learn about loving myself. I was willing and no one was shoveling wordy BS down my throat.
       I became very aware of my body language and my fidgety ways or nervous habits.Negative self talk is the negative chatter that only you can hear in your head. Lets say that you, the one reading this right now, has absolutely no negative self talk, but you fidget. As you read this right now your flicking your fingernails or your sitting at the dining room table and your leg is bouncing at 90Mph. This is in a way distracting you from a thought or feeling. Self soothing so to speak. I learned that the best time for me to see my self clearly was when I was in the comforts of home.  I noticed the T.V. was always on or the radio or the ipod. There was always some kind of noise that I intentionally sought after once getting home.
       What did that tell me? This told me that I was not comfortable in the silence, that I did not want to face what my mind had to offer. Our physical behaviors can also be our negative self talk. Not always because some of our fidgeting is what we have learned from a favorite parent or adult from childhood. Another fidgeting behavior I see often is when some one is walking or even standing still and they tug at the bottom of their shirt often. Although it is subtle it is noticeable. That could possibly be that the persons uncomfortable in their own skin or they are self conscious of the extra five pounds they discovered on them that morning.  Maybe a woman A swishes her hair about a lot. Maybe that woman saw woman B, a very beautiful woman do the same thing and subconsciously woman A picked up the behavior . Putting words to it I would say that every time she swishes her hair she feels as beautiful as woman B. Maybe she was insecure about her own beauty and because woman A now swishes her hair like woman B, she feels prettier than she did before swishing her hair.
        The beautiful thing for me was that when I became willing to see myself, I discovered negative tapes about myself I didn't even know were there. Once I discovered these tapes I then became empowered to change them. I saw my fidgeting and asked myself questions like, "what am I really feeling when I want to do this?". Another thing I would do is starve the behavior. For example I was one who would be sitting still and my leg would be bouncing 90Mph. Depending on the situation and if there was time to actually think about it I would stop the behavior and listen to my body. If there wasn't time to focus on the behavior I would simply fight the urge to do it. Either way, I would look at the situation and myself. I would ask myself what am or was I feeling at that moment?
       At first when I stopped the behavior I would tense up else where in my body. For me this was a clear sign that I needed to really pick this apart and find the words to describe what was really going on inside me. I believe that if you successfully starve the behavior and there are no further symptoms popping up in any other part of your body than its probably a learned behavior and not a negative tape with out words. If you manage to make any discoveries about yourself then congratulations! Learning about our habits, the ways we carry ourselves and uncovering any negative tapes is a huge step towards loving yourself.
       Please remove the label of wrong or right when trying this out because its a limiting belief that has been handed down to you by someone who may have had negative tapes themselves. If your sitting there reading this saying,"This is stupid and whats this supposed to get me?"... I would say to you I understand how you feel and you are worthy of giving this a shot. You are worthy of giving yourself a shot! If I want to receive love in an astounding way from another human beings I must be willing to do these things for myself. I am a work in progress. I continue to discover stuff I didn't realize was there. When I make these discoveries sometimes I may feel a bit of humility, then, I remember that each new discovery is empowering. I am loving myself more and more by identifying, embracing and embarking on the empowering journey of self discovery. The more I uncover the more I recover.Its gets easier with time and practice. I love you and good luck.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Secure Energy

       I posted a situation I went through recently on Facebook that many misunderstood as my being unsafe. The probable cause for the misunderstanding is that I may not of explained it to the best of my ability and or that the readers perception would not allow a different perspective. Judging by the amount of comments and likes of this post I decided to blog on the subject of "Secure Energy".  I am going to share some of my experiences and some experiences of others to help clarify my position on the subject matter. I have also researched the definition of the words Safety and Security. They are as follows: Safety- 1: the condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause danger, risk, or injury.  2: a device (as on a weapon or a machine) designed to prevent inadvertent or hazardous operation. Security- 1: the state of being free from danger or threat. 2: things done to make people or places safe. 
         I spoken with several people about what they believe it means to be safe. My questions were: Do you plan ahead for an unsafe situation? What does being safe mean to you? The answers were quite interesting. Some would tell stories of others and describe their situation and what had happen. Others became some what tense in explaining the necessary need for mace or pepper spray and others hadn't even thought about stuff like that. So I thought to myself is the reason they didn't think about their physical safety because they have never had a situation that placed them at risk for harm or was it a feeling they had installed in their etheric compass? Thus leaving them to feel secure at all times.
       Jumping right into the etheric compass explanation; I've learned through experience that if I fear it, it will happen. What does this mean? Well I believe we are made up of energy. There is an energy that causes our hearts to beat. We can cause a kinetic reaction with our bodies. For example static electricity. There are time when thinking of a person who we haven't seen or heard from in a while, causes them to cross our paths and we say "what a coincidence you have been on my mind the past couple of days and here you are!" I can think of plenty more examples. I hope you can see the point. Fear creates a certain powerful energy within us. No matter how minute the fear may be. If when it popes up in mind and our bodies react I would call that powerful energy. Example lets just say that your worst fear is of being abducted by aliens(lol), the thought pops in mind and your chest immediately gets tight and stomachs in knots, shoulders tense up and your breathing staggers for the duration of thought. How does your body react to your worst fear? Take a moment to find out by thinking of it and feeling your body's reactions to your fear. Then think of some thing that makes you super happy and see what that does to your body.
       Pretty powerful I must say. Had you ever realized how your body reacts to a minute though? Not many people realize that their body is affected by thoughts of fears, joy and sadness. Either way its all energy we are experiencing. We place a large amount of energy on our fears and very little on the joys of life. We fear things that are in the future. We still fear things behind us. We fear the very next moment. Thats a lot of wasted energy. For me when I identify a fear I like to find the root cause of it and break it down so that I can see it clearly. Once I identify the fear I am better equipped to demolish it. This does not happen over night but with energetic effort (action, meditation and some rational thinking)I am victorious. Fearing for your physical safety looks many different way to many different people. 
       I remember when I had to walk a couple miles(seemed like it was that far) at 4:30am and it was very much like night out there. There were quite a few times when I would be followed by vehicles along the way. I decided that I needed to protect myself and began to carry a knife. As soon as I carried that knife these situations quickly escalated to the point in which I had the knife in my hand and it was open ready to be used. These men had not only followed me but they started circling around the block and getting out of their vehicle to approach me. I was scared. I am grateful today that I never once envisioned myself actually fending them off. Another incident is when I answered  my front door. I knew it was my neighbor. She had her dog with her and I feared that dog. Its never attacked me or my dog at that time and I hadnt heard stories of the dog ever attacking anyone in the past. I feared this dog would bite me some day. Well I opened up the front door and saw the dog so I wedged my leg in the door way so it couldnt get at my dog. Within two minutes of our conversation the dang dog bit my leg. 
       I feared for my safety and brought a knife. I had the knife and my safety was even more at risk. I feared the dogs attack and took measures to protect myself from it and the dog bit. If you don't need a lawyer don't have one on retainer . Hope you get the analogy. So regarding my facebook post... things were suggested to me. Like carry pepper spray and or get a gun. I believe in the etheric energy we carry. I believe in the law of attraction. I believe that if I carry pepper spray I am inviting an opportunity to use it. See because of fear we take action. When we act on that fear it then at that moment becomes a reality. Now, all that's left is waiting on the moment to protect our selves from our fear.  Then we find our selves saying " I sure am glad I had that pepper spray!". The same is true of relationships. You were hurt deeply by an ex and have a fear that it will happen again. When you get into the new relationship your fear comes with you and you have your guards up(fear in action) the new relationship is then already tainted and or doomed. I could dive so much deeper in to the subject of energy and the law of attraction as they pertain to my life. There is so much more clarity to be had in this blog but I am Secure in knowing I've done my best for this moment at this time. Overall I am secure with exactly where I am in this life time. Thank you for reading.  

Monday, February 9, 2015

The Elevator

       Over the years I've had a recurring memory. It seemed like its just a memory, so I've never taken a closer look at it. Its not that I didn't care about it or that it caused some guilt/ shame or pain when its popped up. I simply saw it as a memory; a fuzzy four year olds memory.  This blog is not meant to cause mom or grams any shame either. My intent is to show that our thoughts and memory of something we may think to be, minute may hold a much deeper meaning. A key so to speak. Well, this seems to be my case.
       The event proceeding this memory is short and quick. I was instructed by my grandmother to go and wake up Grandpa Archie because breakfast was ready. I ran downstairs and it was dark in the basement. A trickle of light came through the blue window curtain and it was just enough to see where I was in the room. I called out to grandpa Archie and he rolled over to face me and gave me a kiss. All I remember is yucky! It was wet. Then he swung his legs over the bed and on to the floor. Scooped me up and hugged me and again all I could think was yucky! His pee pee poked me in the leg or something like that. I pushed away from him and he put me down. I turned and ran back up stairs. I told grandma. The memory of that is short and complete. My intuition sensed his actions as being bad. My instinct said run and tell.  So I did.
       In this vision we are on an elevator. Mom, Grandma and myself. The elevator is yellow, florescent lighting and the floor was a  dull silver or grey; the kind with the raised up etchings that kind of looked like X's.  I believe we were going to an ENT appointment for me.  Mom had my left hand in her right and Grandma had my right in her left. I remember how big the elevator was to me. I remember looking up at mom and grandma; they were as tall as giants. The light in the elevator created halos around their heads they were so tall. They truly were giants in my eyes and in my life. Of the two, I was most fond of Grandma La La. She was soft and kind. She would teach me things about cooking and seemed to always be soft spoken. She called me mija; a spanish term of endearment. Warm and fuzzy is how she made me feel when we were together. I dont recall this when I look back at mom. Yet, I do remember wanting to be just like her. I wanted to smell like her and loved her hair. Her hands were beautiful and she always had beautiful nails.
       On the elevator I remember my left hand being jerked back past my side and my hair flinging about. I see moms hair hanging past her left shoulder as she leaned down closer to melooking at me and questioning me. I remember thinking how beautifully straight and shiny it was. Something is wrong. I felt like my hart was being choked by her grip on my wrist. She's angry at me. Looking into her eyes I became so scared. I remember I started to freeze up inside. "What happned to mommy she looks different", is what I thought. Grams still has my right hand but I dont hear her. I don't really feel her presence next to me. Mom is asking me if im telling the truth but shes so mad. At me. I started to feel heavy. My head was like a boling ball on my shoulders. I was so scared, heavy and lonely. I couldnt see anything other than her. My arm went numb and I couldnt feel it any more but I knew mommy was jerking my wrist with each word she said.
       Then finally Grandma La La said ,"Mija do you want Grandpa Archie to get into trouble, because that's whats going to happen?" Now, I just couldn't look up any more. I was heavy and didn't want them to look at me any more. I wanted to be invisible. All I could see was a wall of my hair on both sides of my face. I didnt feel safe anymore. I wanted to run away but the elevator doors wouldn't open. So, I stared at the floor of the elevator. Scared and my heart was choking with pain. I didn't feel grandma any more but I know she was there. I just wanted them to Love me again. I wanted my mommy back and so I lied. I said that it wasn't true and claimed to have made it all up. At this moment, I felt unloved, abandoned, no longer trusted my intuition and instincts. I felt like I was bad. For the first time in my four years of life I began to hate myself. While mom was squeezing my wrist and grams seemed to have disappeared I started saying I hate you. Quietly in my mind I said it over and over," I hate you! I hate you!" I was looking at my feet saying I hate you.
       For years I had hated my body. For years I have doubted myself. For years I have wanted to be invisible. For years I have felt unsafe and insecure. Only recently have I come to see that for years I have mutilated my feet.  I have worked through loving my self enough to love the skin im in. Yet my feet have always brought me shame, hate and self disgust. Paying attention to this one recurring memory  has brought a point of origin. To me, when I am able to recover the origin, I have also found the key means to an end. I realize that since this time in the elevator I have doubted my intuition and instincts. Yes, I have gained some, but this sorting of the memory has brought me the key to understanding why and how I can reconnect. I know that when I have followed my intuition my heart races and I tense up, because once long ago I was convinced that it was bad. I am now working on loving and trusting my intuition as good natural and whole. Eventually my intuition will be as natural as my breathing. My heart may or may not race, I may or may not tense up and I will once again utilize my voice for my truth.
       I made this connection at SOS INC.ORG this past Saturday night. I followed my intuition and trusted myself. I was asked to write about a time when I was changed at my core. I then was immediately flooded with The Elevator memory. So I said to my self I am willing to dive deeper into this memory because its resurfaced again. Then, I thought you never know where it will lead. I accepted my willingness and began to believe it held a key to something great. So I wrote 10-12 pages about The Elevator which lead to another 4-5 pages about the mutilation of my feet. I will no longer mutilate my feet. In so many ways the act of picking on my feet to point of them bleeding, getting infected and being sore for days was a way of punishing myself for the harms Ive done throughout my life, for the pain I've caused myself and because in a small way I still hated Me.
       I will speak kindly of my feet and remember that it is this pair of feet that have carried me to this point in time and to this very blog. This past weekend I have shed another layer. I feel vulnerable and I am accepting this vulnerability as healthy and good. I don't feel hidden or shameful any more. I am simply learning to love the real me. Keeping my chin up and voice heard. Learning to trust myself once again learning about my intuition and what its teaching me daily. If you too are having a recurring memory, please give your self permission to look at it more closely. There may be some unexpected freedom in it for your life and it may even lead you into a healthier life direction. Thank you Gretna and Pennie for your sacrifice. Most of all thank you Zac for making your presence known to me through out SOS at Zac's Ridge.  

Thursday, January 22, 2015

My sweet little girl. Your all grown up now. You have been for ten thousand years. I miss you. I have missed you for as  long as you have been grown. Some times I feel like we are worlds apart, literally. I remember your sweet face and the way you would kiss me all the time on my cheeks. I remember hugging you often and not once did you ask me to stop. I remember when you would come home from school and you couldn't wait to get out of those cloths and relax. I remember when you walked home, for what seemed like one hundred miles from school with a chewed up tennis ball in your hand, and you found a seed that had sprouted that you had placed inside of the ball with a hand full of dirt you poured around it. I remember you asking me for your favorite dish of veggies. I remember that time you had an awards ceremony and got all the awards there were to be had but one; the perfect attendance award. I remember laughing and crying because I was so proud of you and at the same time I was not surprised that you did get them all.

You are amazing. I am still very proud of you.

Time for me to come clean with you about a few things. On December 20th 2010, I received an email from your father and your mother pleading me to let you and your sister live with them. He said he would never ask me for anything and that he would continue child support for one year to help me get back on my feet. What the drunk in me heard when I read that was I had drinking money and my drinking would no longer effect you girls. He said he would never keep you from me and that he would make sure we kept communicating. I also thought that your father had to offer all the things I didn't. A home, a family and stability. That evening your sister went to a friends house and what I remember is still a bit fuzzy because I was drunk. Not an excuse just a fact. I remember how hard it had become to communicate with your sister and feeling like I had lost all hope at doing anything good for her. The evening I read his email my gut reaction made me angry and sick.

Then I thought that there was nothing else I could do to help either of you. I felt like In order to save you from the road your sister was traveling down I had to let you both go. I couldn't stand the thought of separating you two. I also knew I would get worse with my drinking and drugging. This was the start of a very dark time for me. I know it was painful for you too.I remember the airport like it was yesterday. It is so clear to me. I remember fighting my urge to drink that morning. I didn't want you girls to miss the flight. So I had some wine in the trunk of the car ready for me to drink after I took you girls to the airport. I remember that look in your eyes. You were so scared and so sad. I couldn't wait for that plain to start boarding. I wanted this moment to evaporate. Some how, I knew that that would be the end of my Kory as I knew her. I knew I would not be seeing your sweet innocent face for a very long time.

The plain boarded you girls. I stood at the window feeling like I was about to die. I was empty. Fully empty. I had no more reason to live. I had no purpose in life. I felt like I just threw away the very reason for breathing. I felt like a failure and that's when I remembered I had wine in the car. So like a switch, I flipped off the hysterical crying and headed out of the airport straight for the car to drink. I slammed 3 bottles down my throat and had only one left for the ride home. I hoped I never made it home that day. I didn't want to face the emptiness. I didn't want to face the fact that where we three lived was no longer going to feel like our home. No where I go feels like it did when I had you girls. So for almost two and a half years I lived swimming in wine. I lived with out electricity, I lived in a garage not equiped for living, I lived with strangers; I just didn't care about me any more. I just wanted to stop feeling I only wanted to drink. I don't think I drew one sober breath into my lungs. I drank because I wanted death. I went to jail three times because of my drinking. I remember a couple of times when your sister was upset with me after you guys had moved, because I said no to something and she cursed me out over the phone and I called your dad back and bitched at him. I remember saying stuff like don't ever have them call me back if all they think i'm good for is money. Something along those lines is what I said and yes drunk again, as usual. I come to find out that he let you girls hear those messages.

I know that at twelve, if I heard my mother say those things in a voice mail, I would hate her too. I also know I would be hurt deeply and my anger for her would grow in order to protect my heart from feeling rejected and like garbage.
I know this experience has given birth to some negative tapes in your heart.
I know I hurt you so bad that now you hate me.

I've missed so much of your life already. I know I could never get that back. I know there is no way I could ever in this life time make it up to you or erase the pain I have caused you. All I can ask for now is your forgiveness. A chance to apologize to your beautiful grown up face and a chance to hug you again. Even if  it is once and for the last time. I just want to apologize and do my best to show you my remorse for the pain I've caused you. I miss you dearly. I think of you often. I hope one year you will be present when I receive a yearly chip for sobriety. This March 8th,  I will receive my two year chip for sobriety. Again, I will speak of my hopes for us and what I have done. I love you Kory.

Love your birth mother,
Korrine Rico
A determined and Motivated woman trusting the power within.