Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Heart Noise

   There was this annoying thud. A thud that would not go away. This nuisance grew increasingly evident. Seemed to be constantly reminding me that I was annoyed by it. Constant and irregular. Some times I was so aware of it that I wanted to stop it. I had fantasies of cutting it out and burning it or shipping it to mom. I remember times I'd be sitting drowning my self pity and my sorrow and my heart would go off on a rampage. I would scream at it and beat my chest like an angry gorilla. No luck! This only increased the speed and power of the thump. This was my heart. Screaming to me loud and clear to stop and that it was not OK with my state of being at that time.

   As a matter of fact I could not stand this suit I had been tied to since birth. To feel my own skin disgusted me. To place my hands upon my lap while wearing a pair of shorts was vial. I was disturbed at the feeling of my bare ankles touching when I went to bed. I did not like any of this repulsive body I had been strapped to for the rest of my life. I also turned myself into a meat grinder for men and other women. After all all I thought I was good for was sex. I hated my self so much that I "felt" repulsive. I was physically sick of this body, of this mind and of this world. I was so lost and so damaged back then. No real hope left in me and no dreams to live out. I dragged my daughters through this. I know much of this is a struggle for one. The other I may never know how she was effected.

   So what changed me and how? There really are no words that I can type here that can do this experience justice.  Seems so much easier to share the disgust rather than the process to the positive current feelings. I will be brief and do my best at explaining. I had always known there was a better life and a better experience for me to have. Something in this universe helped me carry on. Something moved me to stop the drinking, drugs and to seek out peace. Something loved me enough to keep me alive. I hit the ground running in AA.

   I have been sober nearly two years now and worked the twelve step program. Forgave and asked for forgiveness. Lived out the service work to approximately 24 women in the program. There were so many experiences I had spiritually. The spiritual experiences have not stopped. I still sought out more healing and more growth. So AA was not the end of the road for me. I knew there was more to my journey than that. I worked on hugs and conversation. I held my head up high because I wanted to hide it. I developed intimate relationships because I feared them. I faced many purposeful challenges because I knew I was the only one who could help myself feel better.

   I took my socks off at night because I hated my feet. I slept in shorts because I hated my skin. I forced my self to become reacquainted with my body. I told my self that I wasn't dirty because I felt like trash. I began to talk to other women because I felt they were better than me. I asked for their names because I thought they were to good for me to speak to. I hugged the ones that I felt jealousy and envy towards. I called them to talk because I feared that they were not trust worthy. Pretty soon the illusions that I was vial, dirty and disgusting began to fade from my consciousness. I was determined to feel good about this body and my insides.

   I began praying on my knees because I didn't believe that God could hear me. I was not good enough to be heard by God. I transitioned to prayer and meditation because the silence was unheard of. In the silence I faced the dark. In silence my heart beating in my chest became melodic and comforting. There was great light in the darkness of my mind during meditation. I had thought meditation was going to be some out of this world experience. I learned that meditating became a way of discipline. I disciplined my body to be still and quiet. I disciplined my mind to stay present. I heard the music of my heart rush past my ear drums. I could feel my heart gently beating in more places than one throughout my body. I began to trust that there was no monster under the bed when the lights were out. I began to feel safe in this skin. In this heavenly body I grew to know the universal creator some call God.

   Today, I love hugs and kisses from friends and family. I call on women all the time for advice and comfort. I love sleeping with out socks on. I feel like I have a higher purpose and a mission in life. I talk about the sexual abuse often and always with out shame. I love the heart that speaks to me when in meditation. I love sleeping with the TV off and the lights off. I do not fear the dark any longer. Today, I love the challenges I face. Although fear may still exist I claim victory over them. Facing all the negativity is a process that with perseverance and determination anyone can conquer.

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