Wednesday, December 31, 2014



    There are many forms of addictions. There is the addiction to substance. Then there are addictions to situations, genders, feelings, people, material possessions, addictions to ideas and so many more. I do not have experience in all of these areas. However, I will discuss one that I have come to experience second hand and know quite well. This one seems more likely to be one of a combination of a couple of addictions. To start, this is not one of my own, yet I love and care deeply about the one who has an extensive history with this type of addiction. I am not totally clear on this at this time, but to me it seems quite compelling and has driven this person's life since they were a teen. I would value any additional clarification or perspectives on this particular topic.
    OK ladies, I speak directly to you on this, but I'm not omitting that there is the possibility for this to apply to men as well. Do you recall as a little girl/boy dreaming of meeting the perfect man/woman, marring him/her and living happily ever after? Maybe as a child you had an enormous desire for family; feeling like a part of a whole and that's your fantasy.  When we would daydream about this fantasy, our bodies would physically react; experiencing feelings of joy, hope, euphoria and love. We would feel goosebumps and experience that rush of blood in our guts we call butterflies. Now let's get even more real about this fantasy. Imagine that this daydream became the very foundation of our ambitions and desires as an adult. Could it be possible that this fantasy can become the driving force in our life, even as an adult? Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously. For example, it is like the dirt we plant our seeds in, hoping to have a bountiful harvest when the season comes. We may find ourselves saying things like I will be independent so that when I meet Mr./ Mrs. Right, he/she will not think they have to take care of me or I will get that perfect job so that I seem successful and independent or I will maintain my weight and health so that I will attract a strong man/woman and so on, to name a few. I'm sure there is much more we say or more can be added regarding how we carry ourselves that may be because we want to attract a certain type of relationship.
    Maybe you've experienced relationship after relationship and all have been completed unsuccessfully. So here you are feeling unsuccessful, because you think you should be in a committed relationship, with a family or as a family happy just like you have always wanted. Yet, not one of your relationships have remained fruitful. Somewhere along the way poison has seeped into your soil. Nothing ever bears fruit and just when you think its about to bear fruit, your seedling dies in mid bloom. Bouncing back, loss after loss, claiming you have wished it away, pointed fingers in the other direction and spewed vile thoughts from your mouth of the EX, because it's really never your fault. I say that chuckling, because this is where our error lies. Back at the drawing board, so to speak, plans of tomorrow's opportunities begin again today. That fantasy comes on strong again and hope is reborn of union and happily ever after. I believe the addiction is obvious in some ways and not so obvious in other ways. Maybe the addiction is in the new relationship, endorphins or in the ending of it. Maybe it's in the "getting over it" portion of the relationship.

    So you have selected a new set of boundaries and standards yet again. Which in reality were already in place before the last relationship and the one before that and the one before that. Then you begin proclaiming to loved ones you are over the last relationship, that you are strong and you are ready to move on. That fantasy resurfaces and all those delightful feelings flood back in. Physically feeling joy, hope, euphoria and love. Again feeling goosebumps and experiencing that rush of blood in our gut we call butterflies. All the glances and winks tossed our way become the next potential Mr. or Mrs. Right. Finally, we have another winner of our heart. Seemingly familiar, but the familiarity is drowned out by the hijacking of the feelings of happily ever after. That fantasy that causes all the physical reactions that are so pleasant to experience. Blindsided and intoxicated by these feelings, we become clouded and our new found standards and boundaries are blurred. In a few short conversations we learn that our standards are too much and boundaries too bold for the potential new winner of our heart. This comes across to us as a flaw in our so called system of beliefs in following our fantasy. Maybe we were unreasonable in setting our boundary's and standards. Before losing out on the possible opportunity of a new relationship, we question our standards and boundaries and in no time at all they disappear, because we determined they were unreasonable. Maybe this is an addiction to the possibilities of a relationship, family, belonging or the gender in itself. How do we determine which?

    So congratulations on the new relationship. Intoxicated, blinded and overrun, we give the relationship a go, without remaining true to our selves or holding on to our boundaries and standards. Going against our words, lying to ourselves and devaluing our own life's experiences, we begin another mirage of a union. This seems to be the cycle many of us put ourselves through. When this Mr./Mrs. Right crosses us, devalues us, lies to us or defecates on our blurred standards and boundaries, we are hurt and angry, thus ending the relationship once again. When we walk into a relationship lying to ourselves with maladjusted standards and boundaries, we can only expect to experience this treatment from others. After all, we are the only example the world has of how to treat us and not even we are true to our selves. Where does the addiction lie? Is it in the mistreatment we deliver to our selves? Is it in the guarantee that because we treat ourselves this way we ensure that another will do the same? Is it in the newness of the relationship? Is it in the getting over the hurt and anger? What is it? Is it an addiction to the character of the person? Is it an addiction to the knowing it's not going to be happily ever after? It definitely seems to me to be an addiction of sorts, when it's done over and over and over again with the same result.

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