Wednesday, December 31, 2014



    There are many forms of addictions. There is the addiction to substance. Then there are addictions to situations, genders, feelings, people, material possessions, addictions to ideas and so many more. I do not have experience in all of these areas. However, I will discuss one that I have come to experience second hand and know quite well. This one seems more likely to be one of a combination of a couple of addictions. To start, this is not one of my own, yet I love and care deeply about the one who has an extensive history with this type of addiction. I am not totally clear on this at this time, but to me it seems quite compelling and has driven this person's life since they were a teen. I would value any additional clarification or perspectives on this particular topic.
    OK ladies, I speak directly to you on this, but I'm not omitting that there is the possibility for this to apply to men as well. Do you recall as a little girl/boy dreaming of meeting the perfect man/woman, marring him/her and living happily ever after? Maybe as a child you had an enormous desire for family; feeling like a part of a whole and that's your fantasy.  When we would daydream about this fantasy, our bodies would physically react; experiencing feelings of joy, hope, euphoria and love. We would feel goosebumps and experience that rush of blood in our guts we call butterflies. Now let's get even more real about this fantasy. Imagine that this daydream became the very foundation of our ambitions and desires as an adult. Could it be possible that this fantasy can become the driving force in our life, even as an adult? Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously. For example, it is like the dirt we plant our seeds in, hoping to have a bountiful harvest when the season comes. We may find ourselves saying things like I will be independent so that when I meet Mr./ Mrs. Right, he/she will not think they have to take care of me or I will get that perfect job so that I seem successful and independent or I will maintain my weight and health so that I will attract a strong man/woman and so on, to name a few. I'm sure there is much more we say or more can be added regarding how we carry ourselves that may be because we want to attract a certain type of relationship.
    Maybe you've experienced relationship after relationship and all have been completed unsuccessfully. So here you are feeling unsuccessful, because you think you should be in a committed relationship, with a family or as a family happy just like you have always wanted. Yet, not one of your relationships have remained fruitful. Somewhere along the way poison has seeped into your soil. Nothing ever bears fruit and just when you think its about to bear fruit, your seedling dies in mid bloom. Bouncing back, loss after loss, claiming you have wished it away, pointed fingers in the other direction and spewed vile thoughts from your mouth of the EX, because it's really never your fault. I say that chuckling, because this is where our error lies. Back at the drawing board, so to speak, plans of tomorrow's opportunities begin again today. That fantasy comes on strong again and hope is reborn of union and happily ever after. I believe the addiction is obvious in some ways and not so obvious in other ways. Maybe the addiction is in the new relationship, endorphins or in the ending of it. Maybe it's in the "getting over it" portion of the relationship.

    So you have selected a new set of boundaries and standards yet again. Which in reality were already in place before the last relationship and the one before that and the one before that. Then you begin proclaiming to loved ones you are over the last relationship, that you are strong and you are ready to move on. That fantasy resurfaces and all those delightful feelings flood back in. Physically feeling joy, hope, euphoria and love. Again feeling goosebumps and experiencing that rush of blood in our gut we call butterflies. All the glances and winks tossed our way become the next potential Mr. or Mrs. Right. Finally, we have another winner of our heart. Seemingly familiar, but the familiarity is drowned out by the hijacking of the feelings of happily ever after. That fantasy that causes all the physical reactions that are so pleasant to experience. Blindsided and intoxicated by these feelings, we become clouded and our new found standards and boundaries are blurred. In a few short conversations we learn that our standards are too much and boundaries too bold for the potential new winner of our heart. This comes across to us as a flaw in our so called system of beliefs in following our fantasy. Maybe we were unreasonable in setting our boundary's and standards. Before losing out on the possible opportunity of a new relationship, we question our standards and boundaries and in no time at all they disappear, because we determined they were unreasonable. Maybe this is an addiction to the possibilities of a relationship, family, belonging or the gender in itself. How do we determine which?

    So congratulations on the new relationship. Intoxicated, blinded and overrun, we give the relationship a go, without remaining true to our selves or holding on to our boundaries and standards. Going against our words, lying to ourselves and devaluing our own life's experiences, we begin another mirage of a union. This seems to be the cycle many of us put ourselves through. When this Mr./Mrs. Right crosses us, devalues us, lies to us or defecates on our blurred standards and boundaries, we are hurt and angry, thus ending the relationship once again. When we walk into a relationship lying to ourselves with maladjusted standards and boundaries, we can only expect to experience this treatment from others. After all, we are the only example the world has of how to treat us and not even we are true to our selves. Where does the addiction lie? Is it in the mistreatment we deliver to our selves? Is it in the guarantee that because we treat ourselves this way we ensure that another will do the same? Is it in the newness of the relationship? Is it in the getting over the hurt and anger? What is it? Is it an addiction to the character of the person? Is it an addiction to the knowing it's not going to be happily ever after? It definitely seems to me to be an addiction of sorts, when it's done over and over and over again with the same result.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Heart Noise

   There was this annoying thud. A thud that would not go away. This nuisance grew increasingly evident. Seemed to be constantly reminding me that I was annoyed by it. Constant and irregular. Some times I was so aware of it that I wanted to stop it. I had fantasies of cutting it out and burning it or shipping it to mom. I remember times I'd be sitting drowning my self pity and my sorrow and my heart would go off on a rampage. I would scream at it and beat my chest like an angry gorilla. No luck! This only increased the speed and power of the thump. This was my heart. Screaming to me loud and clear to stop and that it was not OK with my state of being at that time.

   As a matter of fact I could not stand this suit I had been tied to since birth. To feel my own skin disgusted me. To place my hands upon my lap while wearing a pair of shorts was vial. I was disturbed at the feeling of my bare ankles touching when I went to bed. I did not like any of this repulsive body I had been strapped to for the rest of my life. I also turned myself into a meat grinder for men and other women. After all all I thought I was good for was sex. I hated my self so much that I "felt" repulsive. I was physically sick of this body, of this mind and of this world. I was so lost and so damaged back then. No real hope left in me and no dreams to live out. I dragged my daughters through this. I know much of this is a struggle for one. The other I may never know how she was effected.

   So what changed me and how? There really are no words that I can type here that can do this experience justice.  Seems so much easier to share the disgust rather than the process to the positive current feelings. I will be brief and do my best at explaining. I had always known there was a better life and a better experience for me to have. Something in this universe helped me carry on. Something moved me to stop the drinking, drugs and to seek out peace. Something loved me enough to keep me alive. I hit the ground running in AA.

   I have been sober nearly two years now and worked the twelve step program. Forgave and asked for forgiveness. Lived out the service work to approximately 24 women in the program. There were so many experiences I had spiritually. The spiritual experiences have not stopped. I still sought out more healing and more growth. So AA was not the end of the road for me. I knew there was more to my journey than that. I worked on hugs and conversation. I held my head up high because I wanted to hide it. I developed intimate relationships because I feared them. I faced many purposeful challenges because I knew I was the only one who could help myself feel better.

   I took my socks off at night because I hated my feet. I slept in shorts because I hated my skin. I forced my self to become reacquainted with my body. I told my self that I wasn't dirty because I felt like trash. I began to talk to other women because I felt they were better than me. I asked for their names because I thought they were to good for me to speak to. I hugged the ones that I felt jealousy and envy towards. I called them to talk because I feared that they were not trust worthy. Pretty soon the illusions that I was vial, dirty and disgusting began to fade from my consciousness. I was determined to feel good about this body and my insides.

   I began praying on my knees because I didn't believe that God could hear me. I was not good enough to be heard by God. I transitioned to prayer and meditation because the silence was unheard of. In the silence I faced the dark. In silence my heart beating in my chest became melodic and comforting. There was great light in the darkness of my mind during meditation. I had thought meditation was going to be some out of this world experience. I learned that meditating became a way of discipline. I disciplined my body to be still and quiet. I disciplined my mind to stay present. I heard the music of my heart rush past my ear drums. I could feel my heart gently beating in more places than one throughout my body. I began to trust that there was no monster under the bed when the lights were out. I began to feel safe in this skin. In this heavenly body I grew to know the universal creator some call God.

   Today, I love hugs and kisses from friends and family. I call on women all the time for advice and comfort. I love sleeping with out socks on. I feel like I have a higher purpose and a mission in life. I talk about the sexual abuse often and always with out shame. I love the heart that speaks to me when in meditation. I love sleeping with the TV off and the lights off. I do not fear the dark any longer. Today, I love the challenges I face. Although fear may still exist I claim victory over them. Facing all the negativity is a process that with perseverance and determination anyone can conquer.