Monday, October 13, 2014

Sharing and Wolves

   Most of my sharing in the early weeks was mostly rants. Id share about the house mate and financial stuff but mostly about how there was no food in the house and boose in the fridge. I had no idea what was ok to share and not ok to share in the meetings. I didnt think it mattered what was shared. I heard some of the women say during meetings that the women will save your ass and the men will grab your ass. I had no idea what the heck that meant.

   I was sharing at the AA group in Richardson and was amazed at the number of men that approached me after the meeting ended. I had shared on how I was exhausted with going hungry and not having a thing to eat in the fridge. I cried about not having food literally. I remember there was a time or two when a woman would come up to me before or after a meeting and say they had brought some food for me to take home so that I could eat. The Ramen noodle, rice and beans were such a sight for sore eyes and an empty belly. Forever grateful.

   For the most part men approached me with an out stretched hand. Not women. The men offered a warm meal at a restaurant with "no strings attached".  Of course I was so desperate I wanted to just go and eat. But something didn't feel right about these offers of warm food or for me to go for a ride to the ATM to get cash so they can help me with food. What happened to the, "women will help you out...". Where the heck were they when these buzzards were buzzing around me baiting me while I was vulnerable and desperate. 

   The talk of a woman being proactive in other women's recovery was not something I experienced. I felt like I had to have my guards on high alert. How could I fully trust my guard if i'm still flooded with the pollutant of alcohol on the brain? I mean I thought this was a safe place to go and recover. I thought there would be a fellowship of women there for the safety of other women choosing to recover. Well boy was I wrong. I felt more like they were watching me and judging me rather than concerned for me and my well being.

   Just before a meeting started a man who was in his late 40's offered to take me out for a meal. There were other women in the room when he asked me. I thought well if he's asking openly and claiming no strings attached, what the heck why not?! Since there were other women in the room wouldn't they have notified me of a threat? I hadn't eaten in nearly two days and was weak and vulnerable. So I went. Thank goodness there was no harm done. I will mention I wound up dating the man for three weeks. That was a short lived relationship.

  On the third week he wanted an open mouthed kiss i politely informed him that I was not ready for that kind of relationship. Well obviously he was not ok with that and began acting erroneously. I realized he had one intention in mind for us and that was to have sexual relations or to thirteen step me as its called in AA. I broke it off a day later. We spoke face to face and I told him im just not ready for that kind of relationship and that I felt a physical relationship would hinder my sobriety.

  The evening of our discussion he sent me about 60 texts. He informed me he was wanting to talk to me in person and had realized he was wrong and just wanted to see me and make an amends. At this point I knew better after reading all those crazy texts. I brought this info to the attention of my sponsor and some elected officials from the committee. Not too long after this he was back on his drugs and drinking. Sad to see him go that rout and maybe in some miraculious way I sensed he was not healthy for me.

   Well my take on this whole AA thing for women new to sobriety is to look for the women who look you in the eye and talk to your vulnerable soul. For I believe these are the ones who will protect you along your journey. I know because I finally met some and they do keep me alert and on my toes in a healthy manner. There are many wolves among the sheep. Most of which are disguised as sheep meaning they know all the right things to say yet don't live it. After you have a vulnerable share ladies make sure to remain cautious of those approaching after the meeting for you are fresh meat to many.
  There many men with years of sobriety that are still as broken as they were when they walked into AA, the only difference is they are sober. The moral of this story is just because some one wants to help out doesn't mean they are safe or healthy. There are few that are trustworthy and only time will prove this. Great luck on your journey.    

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