Wednesday, October 8, 2014

A woman and Alcoholics Anonymous.......One

    Having been to AA a few times before I knew there was something to it. Some answer or solution. I arrived for the final time on March 8, 2013 at 12:15pm. I thought I was late and to my surprise I was fifteen minutes early for a women's meeting. This particular AA group in Richardson Texas is a club. Meaning its doors are open all day and ALANON meetings are held here regularly.
   Gosh when I walked up those stairs and in the doors I felt like I was walking through a tunnel. I was in fear of the situation and the people who were there. It was different and new yet iv been to AA before. I remember walking through  the hall towards the big room and a woman was walking towards me in this narrow hall. She said "hello". She was a super chipper woman, bouncy and lively. She then  asked me if I'd been there before and if it was my first time. I replied with a outburst of, "well I was tired of the same old bull shit and wanted something different so I thought Id get my happy ass up here and do it." She said well im glad you got your happy ass up here, can I give you a hug?" We hugged and I proceeded in to the room and pulled my belly up to the table as I claimed my seat.

   This is the start of it. I attended at least three meetings a day and most days I was at four. I began leaving my bedroom daily around seven am. After a few days I was at the group by 4:30am and stayed until 10:00pm or 10:30pm. I lived with an elderly man of 70. He was my neighbor before becoming a house mate.  I lived a cross the street from him with a woman I had known for several years from church her occupation was a masseuse. I will get into details on this later.

   I needed to escape the daily monotony of hearing the house mate rolling out of bed at 4:10amish. It started with a horrible coughing. Hacking up phlegm every morning, to the bathroom he went then to the kitchen headed for the fridge for his forty oz beer. He would sit at the table in the smoke stained dining room hacking up a lung, drinking beer and smoking his cigarettes. Mind you, I would get up about eight or nine am and crack open my bottle of wine and smoke my cigarettes with him. We would both sit on the couch every day and watch tv for countless hours and drink our lives away.

    I began to think about how this could be me if I'm not dead or in jail by 70 years old. I was so tired. Not only did I drink I was smoking a type of K2 called Gorilla Dro(GD) daily. I sold/ pawned all of anything I had so that I could drink, smoke cigarettes and smoke GD. The last night of drinking and smoking I had been to the walmart parking lot to ask for money to buy a three dollar bottle of wine. I had nothing left to pawn. I knew that the three dollar bottle would barely affect my senses but it was better than not having a drop.

   I needed it and craved it in order to cope with life and the way I felt about myself and my life. My day was consumed with how was I going to get a few bucks to drink. I was also out of  GD and cigarettes. I went home with my bottle and finished it up around 9:00pm on March 7th. The effects of the bottle wore off around 10:30- 11:00pm. That's when I began my desperate search for another high. Not having any cash or even cigarettes on hand I began digging in the cracks of the floor and the night stand where I would prep my GD for smoking. I gave up my search around 3:45am and fell asleep by 4:30ish. I was up and wired by 11am. The only thought I can remember having that morning is how I was so tired of this fight to get drunk and high.

   Part of me wanted more and the other part knew i had to do something different because I was out of resources. This began my journey towards recovery. I have been sober since. Thank you for reading and helping me feel valued.


1 comment:

  1. I tried to comment, but it didn't seem to take. Very good. Bold and courageous.