Tuesday, October 21, 2014

For crying out loud.......


    I sit here staring at this blog thinking to myself about my purpose and questioning what I believe it to be. At this time in life I'm looking for work. A part time that will get the bills paid, a flight here and there to see my daughters in Chicago, cover the car note and take an aerial silks class or two. I thought that I had found a niche, my niche. A something I could do that would help me make money, fulfill my life's purpose and help others find their value. Is this my true purpose? I don't know. What I do know is I want to help others be free from ego and loneliness, as much as I need air to live. My dream job: I intend to help people become aware of themselves, overcome life hurdles, attain an inner peace and value.
       I have seen many changes in my life. Not all of them healthy. I've hurt many and I've hurt myself. I look out the windows and see that we are hustling about life seeking to fulfill something. Running around paying bills, making money and tossing about what ifs. So I sit here watching life pass, by all of us running. Running from what we want. What we want is a relationship with ourselves. We want peace within our selves. So how do we get to this point? What do we do to attain peace? How do we stop comparing ourselves to our neighbor? Who said we had to buy into this life of devoting 8 to 12 hour days to work away from ourselves and family?

       We spend a huge portion of our day pleasing others to make the day's pay. We then run errands on the way home to our children, who have been cooped up inside for 8 to 10 hours at a time. We rush home to administer medication to these children, who after being cooped up all day, must be stuck indoors for several more hours for homework and medication regimens. Medication which they need in order to obey superiors while locked up in doors. We live separate from the very fabric of our dreams. We have bought into this life of deliverance and deception and our children go mad and we catch blame for their rebellious acts. We live enslaved to the necessity of green paper and plastic cards.  We think in terms of have and have nots. And at the end of the day, who are we really?

       How are we to ever know while in this endless maze of life till death? This cycle we have been forced into is the very thing killing our spirits and souls. The soul which we seem to only care for on Sundays when, yet again, we are conditioned to following the herds of the I'm rights and they are wrongs. What do we believe in really? A religion with the most followers or who shouts love the loudest seems to be the winner. Believing that the creator of all things is the punisher of wrong choices. The wiggle room for growth squashed by that of which do as I say and not of what I do shouts at you.
 
       We can all use a little freedom of spirituality. To think we hang in outer space without a string or step stool and we doubt an ultimate power. Furthermore, some of us believe we are governed by a God who will call his children sinners and punish us in purgatory for all eternity. Small is the one who preaches this hell in an after life, for he is squashed by his own anvil. Inherited anvils containing generations' past ideologies and beliefs. Drop the rock and take a look at you. Can you feel that beating heart? Its God telling you that you are loved? Dare you sit be still and quiet, for if you do you just may begin to feel all of what you have been running from. Your life force spirit screaming at you for peace and serenity.
 
      Since you say its all been prewritten, let's just burn, starting the moment we were created and begin life in hell. Free will allows us the opportunity to live peacefully should we choose. So stop and show your children it's safe to just be and exist under a tree without the ipad, iphone and computer gaming thingy. We are gods in their eyes and all they want, for crying out loud, is to be just like mommy and daddy. What they see is a model of how to live. Loveless communication seems normal to them, because of what they have seen. Then they as young adults, can't seem to be successful at relationships. When they cry in our arms about their loneliness and their "I cant seem to ever," we wonder how can we help. How can we help when even we are without relationship models? Where do we begin?

       Try starting with you. Do the looking in the mirror at yourself and become familiar with how awkward it feels to look at your reflection. Begin by asking why it is challenging. Ask yourself if that's how your parent(s) view or viewed them selves. Sit still in silence and face the fears of your mind. Wonder about what it is that's got you so uncomfortable in your own skin. After all, it's only your mind and in your head. Beautiful thing is your mind shows you what not to repeat and in fact be certain it's all in the past. It's done and over with, so face it. The truth is that our devices have conditioned us to run in all ways. I will join you on a boat under the moon light. Be forewarned that we will set sail on life above the sea of receptive love. Receiving love is not a like on you forget about visiting me page. Nor is it the number of superficial friends unsupporting you in your daily struggles.

       God works in me through my hands as I caress your face and speak of the pain I see in your eyes. That pain pouring out over your life and those around you. God is in my loving embrace as I lean in to your ear and whisper that I see you when you're in hiding. Be bold and see the beauty of your life struggling to be free. Fight the war of your heart in my arms full of grace and compassion. Know you are not alone. I too war against a room full of touch and go devices covering faces longing to be seen. Yet the only thing we have time to see is this screen.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Sharing and Wolves

   Most of my sharing in the early weeks was mostly rants. Id share about the house mate and financial stuff but mostly about how there was no food in the house and boose in the fridge. I had no idea what was ok to share and not ok to share in the meetings. I didnt think it mattered what was shared. I heard some of the women say during meetings that the women will save your ass and the men will grab your ass. I had no idea what the heck that meant.

   I was sharing at the AA group in Richardson and was amazed at the number of men that approached me after the meeting ended. I had shared on how I was exhausted with going hungry and not having a thing to eat in the fridge. I cried about not having food literally. I remember there was a time or two when a woman would come up to me before or after a meeting and say they had brought some food for me to take home so that I could eat. The Ramen noodle, rice and beans were such a sight for sore eyes and an empty belly. Forever grateful.

   For the most part men approached me with an out stretched hand. Not women. The men offered a warm meal at a restaurant with "no strings attached".  Of course I was so desperate I wanted to just go and eat. But something didn't feel right about these offers of warm food or for me to go for a ride to the ATM to get cash so they can help me with food. What happened to the, "women will help you out...". Where the heck were they when these buzzards were buzzing around me baiting me while I was vulnerable and desperate. 

   The talk of a woman being proactive in other women's recovery was not something I experienced. I felt like I had to have my guards on high alert. How could I fully trust my guard if i'm still flooded with the pollutant of alcohol on the brain? I mean I thought this was a safe place to go and recover. I thought there would be a fellowship of women there for the safety of other women choosing to recover. Well boy was I wrong. I felt more like they were watching me and judging me rather than concerned for me and my well being.

   Just before a meeting started a man who was in his late 40's offered to take me out for a meal. There were other women in the room when he asked me. I thought well if he's asking openly and claiming no strings attached, what the heck why not?! Since there were other women in the room wouldn't they have notified me of a threat? I hadn't eaten in nearly two days and was weak and vulnerable. So I went. Thank goodness there was no harm done. I will mention I wound up dating the man for three weeks. That was a short lived relationship.

  On the third week he wanted an open mouthed kiss i politely informed him that I was not ready for that kind of relationship. Well obviously he was not ok with that and began acting erroneously. I realized he had one intention in mind for us and that was to have sexual relations or to thirteen step me as its called in AA. I broke it off a day later. We spoke face to face and I told him im just not ready for that kind of relationship and that I felt a physical relationship would hinder my sobriety.

  The evening of our discussion he sent me about 60 texts. He informed me he was wanting to talk to me in person and had realized he was wrong and just wanted to see me and make an amends. At this point I knew better after reading all those crazy texts. I brought this info to the attention of my sponsor and some elected officials from the committee. Not too long after this he was back on his drugs and drinking. Sad to see him go that rout and maybe in some miraculious way I sensed he was not healthy for me.

   Well my take on this whole AA thing for women new to sobriety is to look for the women who look you in the eye and talk to your vulnerable soul. For I believe these are the ones who will protect you along your journey. I know because I finally met some and they do keep me alert and on my toes in a healthy manner. There are many wolves among the sheep. Most of which are disguised as sheep meaning they know all the right things to say yet don't live it. After you have a vulnerable share ladies make sure to remain cautious of those approaching after the meeting for you are fresh meat to many.
  There many men with years of sobriety that are still as broken as they were when they walked into AA, the only difference is they are sober. The moral of this story is just because some one wants to help out doesn't mean they are safe or healthy. There are few that are trustworthy and only time will prove this. Great luck on your journey.    

Saturday, October 11, 2014

What not to look for in an AA sponsor

    At my first meeting in March 8 2013 I was told to get a sponsor and work the f&*$#@ steps. The way the sponsor thing was explained to me was; find some one who has something you want and ask them to be your sponsor. So fresh off the wagon as a newly sober person I was to know what I wanted and what was best for me. I guess I had a pretty colorful track record of people/places and things I thought were best for me. So sure I can find a suitable sponsor.  I believe it was day three of sobriety when I finally decided to pick a sponsor. That day there were slim pickings.

   Well there was really only one woman who looked like they had what I wanted. She was an anglo woman in her mid 50's, very tall, slender, beautiful and blond. I wished I looked just like that growing up because most of mothers friends were anglo. When  mom was around them she was different. So I asked this woman to be my sponsor. She agreed. I believe we met a couple of times and she instructed me to begin reading the first 164 of the big book. Yah like that was going to happen. I could hardly sit still let alone have the patients or self discipline to read a freaking book on my own.

   So like a good little girl I began reading. I was to call on her when I wanted to drink or when I was bored and since the desire to drink was gone early on I didn't need to call her much. At about 19 days sobriety I was at a noon meeting and there was over 80 years of sobriety sitting in the room. It had been about 2 minutes past noon meeting start time. Not one of these old timers wanted to chair. So I chaired the meeting. I had shared this on my Facebook status. At an evening meeting later that week my sponsor decided to tell me, "You know just because you read how it works doesn't mean you chaired a meeting." I have to admit that upset me. She didn't bother to get clarity on what I think chairing a meeting is. She simply assumed I read How It Works at the start of a meeting. So little by little I began to experience belittling behavior from her.

   During one of our phone calls she eluded to the fact that we will have so much fun in the summer working the steps. Well Its was March an I couldn't figure out why I have to wait till summer to get started? I did'nt like this plan of hers. I did begin to put things together. It turned out she was having a rough time at home at it was effecting all areas of her life. I asked her if things were ok at home and she responded as if it were top secret. Wait a freakin minute you expect me to get personaland honest with you yet you have secrets. How the hell does this work?!

    I got real good and honest with her in a private message on Facebook and told her how she "should" be doing things. Really I acted in bad taste and made an amends not too long after. I began figuring out that what I was to be looking for in a sponsor was not physical or monetary. So after a few incidents and 2 1/2 weeks of having her as a sponsor, I let her off the hook and found a new sponsor. Some one who looked like they were at peace all the time. Now that is some thing I wanted.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

A woman and Alcoholics Anonymous.......One

    Having been to AA a few times before I knew there was something to it. Some answer or solution. I arrived for the final time on March 8, 2013 at 12:15pm. I thought I was late and to my surprise I was fifteen minutes early for a women's meeting. This particular AA group in Richardson Texas is a club. Meaning its doors are open all day and ALANON meetings are held here regularly.
 
   Gosh when I walked up those stairs and in the doors I felt like I was walking through a tunnel. I was in fear of the situation and the people who were there. It was different and new yet iv been to AA before. I remember walking through  the hall towards the big room and a woman was walking towards me in this narrow hall. She said "hello". She was a super chipper woman, bouncy and lively. She then  asked me if I'd been there before and if it was my first time. I replied with a outburst of, "well I was tired of the same old bull shit and wanted something different so I thought Id get my happy ass up here and do it." She said well im glad you got your happy ass up here, can I give you a hug?" We hugged and I proceeded in to the room and pulled my belly up to the table as I claimed my seat.

   This is the start of it. I attended at least three meetings a day and most days I was at four. I began leaving my bedroom daily around seven am. After a few days I was at the group by 4:30am and stayed until 10:00pm or 10:30pm. I lived with an elderly man of 70. He was my neighbor before becoming a house mate.  I lived a cross the street from him with a woman I had known for several years from church her occupation was a masseuse. I will get into details on this later.

   I needed to escape the daily monotony of hearing the house mate rolling out of bed at 4:10amish. It started with a horrible coughing. Hacking up phlegm every morning, to the bathroom he went then to the kitchen headed for the fridge for his forty oz beer. He would sit at the table in the smoke stained dining room hacking up a lung, drinking beer and smoking his cigarettes. Mind you, I would get up about eight or nine am and crack open my bottle of wine and smoke my cigarettes with him. We would both sit on the couch every day and watch tv for countless hours and drink our lives away.

    I began to think about how this could be me if I'm not dead or in jail by 70 years old. I was so tired. Not only did I drink I was smoking a type of K2 called Gorilla Dro(GD) daily. I sold/ pawned all of anything I had so that I could drink, smoke cigarettes and smoke GD. The last night of drinking and smoking I had been to the walmart parking lot to ask for money to buy a three dollar bottle of wine. I had nothing left to pawn. I knew that the three dollar bottle would barely affect my senses but it was better than not having a drop.

   I needed it and craved it in order to cope with life and the way I felt about myself and my life. My day was consumed with how was I going to get a few bucks to drink. I was also out of  GD and cigarettes. I went home with my bottle and finished it up around 9:00pm on March 7th. The effects of the bottle wore off around 10:30- 11:00pm. That's when I began my desperate search for another high. Not having any cash or even cigarettes on hand I began digging in the cracks of the floor and the night stand where I would prep my GD for smoking. I gave up my search around 3:45am and fell asleep by 4:30ish. I was up and wired by 11am. The only thought I can remember having that morning is how I was so tired of this fight to get drunk and high.

   Part of me wanted more and the other part knew i had to do something different because I was out of resources. This began my journey towards recovery. I have been sober since. Thank you for reading and helping me feel valued.