Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Addiction?

 

    There are many forms of addictions. There is the addiction to substance. Then there are addictions to situations, genders, feelings, people, material possessions, addictions to ideas and so many more. I do not have experience in all of these areas. However, I will discuss one that I have come to experience second hand and know quite well. This one seems more likely to be one of a combination of a couple of addictions. To start, this is not one of my own, yet I love and care deeply about the one who has an extensive history with this type of addiction. I am not totally clear on this at this time, but to me it seems quite compelling and has driven this person's life since they were a teen. I would value any additional clarification or perspectives on this particular topic.
    
    OK ladies, I speak directly to you on this, but I'm not omitting that there is the possibility for this to apply to men as well. Do you recall as a little girl/boy dreaming of meeting the perfect man/woman, marring him/her and living happily ever after? Maybe as a child you had an enormous desire for family; feeling like a part of a whole and that's your fantasy.  When we would daydream about this fantasy, our bodies would physically react; experiencing feelings of joy, hope, euphoria and love. We would feel goosebumps and experience that rush of blood in our guts we call butterflies. Now let's get even more real about this fantasy. Imagine that this daydream became the very foundation of our ambitions and desires as an adult. Could it be possible that this fantasy can become the driving force in our life, even as an adult? Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously. For example, it is like the dirt we plant our seeds in, hoping to have a bountiful harvest when the season comes. We may find ourselves saying things like I will be independent so that when I meet Mr./ Mrs. Right, he/she will not think they have to take care of me or I will get that perfect job so that I seem successful and independent or I will maintain my weight and health so that I will attract a strong man/woman and so on, to name a few. I'm sure there is much more we say or more can be added regarding how we carry ourselves that may be because we want to attract a certain type of relationship.
    
    Maybe you've experienced relationship after relationship and all have been completed unsuccessfully. So here you are feeling unsuccessful, because you think you should be in a committed relationship, with a family or as a family happy just like you have always wanted. Yet, not one of your relationships have remained fruitful. Somewhere along the way poison has seeped into your soil. Nothing ever bears fruit and just when you think its about to bear fruit, your seedling dies in mid bloom. Bouncing back, loss after loss, claiming you have wished it away, pointed fingers in the other direction and spewed vile thoughts from your mouth of the EX, because it's really never your fault. I say that chuckling, because this is where our error lies. Back at the drawing board, so to speak, plans of tomorrow's opportunities begin again today. That fantasy comes on strong again and hope is reborn of union and happily ever after. I believe the addiction is obvious in some ways and not so obvious in other ways. Maybe the addiction is in the new relationship, endorphins or in the ending of it. Maybe it's in the "getting over it" portion of the relationship.

    So you have selected a new set of boundaries and standards yet again. Which in reality were already in place before the last relationship and the one before that and the one before that. Then you begin proclaiming to loved ones you are over the last relationship, that you are strong and you are ready to move on. That fantasy resurfaces and all those delightful feelings flood back in. Physically feeling joy, hope, euphoria and love. Again feeling goosebumps and experiencing that rush of blood in our gut we call butterflies. All the glances and winks tossed our way become the next potential Mr. or Mrs. Right. Finally, we have another winner of our heart. Seemingly familiar, but the familiarity is drowned out by the hijacking of the feelings of happily ever after. That fantasy that causes all the physical reactions that are so pleasant to experience. Blindsided and intoxicated by these feelings, we become clouded and our new found standards and boundaries are blurred. In a few short conversations we learn that our standards are too much and boundaries too bold for the potential new winner of our heart. This comes across to us as a flaw in our so called system of beliefs in following our fantasy. Maybe we were unreasonable in setting our boundary's and standards. Before losing out on the possible opportunity of a new relationship, we question our standards and boundaries and in no time at all they disappear, because we determined they were unreasonable. Maybe this is an addiction to the possibilities of a relationship, family, belonging or the gender in itself. How do we determine which?

    So congratulations on the new relationship. Intoxicated, blinded and overrun, we give the relationship a go, without remaining true to our selves or holding on to our boundaries and standards. Going against our words, lying to ourselves and devaluing our own life's experiences, we begin another mirage of a union. This seems to be the cycle many of us put ourselves through. When this Mr./Mrs. Right crosses us, devalues us, lies to us or defecates on our blurred standards and boundaries, we are hurt and angry, thus ending the relationship once again. When we walk into a relationship lying to ourselves with maladjusted standards and boundaries, we can only expect to experience this treatment from others. After all, we are the only example the world has of how to treat us and not even we are true to our selves. Where does the addiction lie? Is it in the mistreatment we deliver to our selves? Is it in the guarantee that because we treat ourselves this way we ensure that another will do the same? Is it in the newness of the relationship? Is it in the getting over the hurt and anger? What is it? Is it an addiction to the character of the person? Is it an addiction to the knowing it's not going to be happily ever after? It definitely seems to me to be an addiction of sorts, when it's done over and over and over again with the same result.













Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Heart Noise

   There was this annoying thud. A thud that would not go away. This nuisance grew increasingly evident. Seemed to be constantly reminding me that I was annoyed by it. Constant and irregular. Some times I was so aware of it that I wanted to stop it. I had fantasies of cutting it out and burning it or shipping it to mom. I remember times I'd be sitting drowning my self pity and my sorrow and my heart would go off on a rampage. I would scream at it and beat my chest like an angry gorilla. No luck! This only increased the speed and power of the thump. This was my heart. Screaming to me loud and clear to stop and that it was not OK with my state of being at that time.

   As a matter of fact I could not stand this suit I had been tied to since birth. To feel my own skin disgusted me. To place my hands upon my lap while wearing a pair of shorts was vial. I was disturbed at the feeling of my bare ankles touching when I went to bed. I did not like any of this repulsive body I had been strapped to for the rest of my life. I also turned myself into a meat grinder for men and other women. After all all I thought I was good for was sex. I hated my self so much that I "felt" repulsive. I was physically sick of this body, of this mind and of this world. I was so lost and so damaged back then. No real hope left in me and no dreams to live out. I dragged my daughters through this. I know much of this is a struggle for one. The other I may never know how she was effected.

   So what changed me and how? There really are no words that I can type here that can do this experience justice.  Seems so much easier to share the disgust rather than the process to the positive current feelings. I will be brief and do my best at explaining. I had always known there was a better life and a better experience for me to have. Something in this universe helped me carry on. Something moved me to stop the drinking, drugs and to seek out peace. Something loved me enough to keep me alive. I hit the ground running in AA.

   I have been sober nearly two years now and worked the twelve step program. Forgave and asked for forgiveness. Lived out the service work to approximately 24 women in the program. There were so many experiences I had spiritually. The spiritual experiences have not stopped. I still sought out more healing and more growth. So AA was not the end of the road for me. I knew there was more to my journey than that. I worked on hugs and conversation. I held my head up high because I wanted to hide it. I developed intimate relationships because I feared them. I faced many purposeful challenges because I knew I was the only one who could help myself feel better.

   I took my socks off at night because I hated my feet. I slept in shorts because I hated my skin. I forced my self to become reacquainted with my body. I told my self that I wasn't dirty because I felt like trash. I began to talk to other women because I felt they were better than me. I asked for their names because I thought they were to good for me to speak to. I hugged the ones that I felt jealousy and envy towards. I called them to talk because I feared that they were not trust worthy. Pretty soon the illusions that I was vial, dirty and disgusting began to fade from my consciousness. I was determined to feel good about this body and my insides.

   I began praying on my knees because I didn't believe that God could hear me. I was not good enough to be heard by God. I transitioned to prayer and meditation because the silence was unheard of. In the silence I faced the dark. In silence my heart beating in my chest became melodic and comforting. There was great light in the darkness of my mind during meditation. I had thought meditation was going to be some out of this world experience. I learned that meditating became a way of discipline. I disciplined my body to be still and quiet. I disciplined my mind to stay present. I heard the music of my heart rush past my ear drums. I could feel my heart gently beating in more places than one throughout my body. I began to trust that there was no monster under the bed when the lights were out. I began to feel safe in this skin. In this heavenly body I grew to know the universal creator some call God.

   Today, I love hugs and kisses from friends and family. I call on women all the time for advice and comfort. I love sleeping with out socks on. I feel like I have a higher purpose and a mission in life. I talk about the sexual abuse often and always with out shame. I love the heart that speaks to me when in meditation. I love sleeping with the TV off and the lights off. I do not fear the dark any longer. Today, I love the challenges I face. Although fear may still exist I claim victory over them. Facing all the negativity is a process that with perseverance and determination anyone can conquer.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Lesson Learned....

       I have made many friends since joining AA. I did not have much support prior to sobriety. Yes 'we all have family. Yet if they are not well versed in the curable disease of Alcoholism then how could they affectingly support us or guide us to AA or recovery? I was consumed with loneliness and despair. I felt like an ocean without life. I've tried many people on for size. I've had many disappointments and had attracted many unhealthy souls. Probably, because, I attract where I'm at, had high expectations or both. I gained a few and have lost a few. Then again I was extremely emotionally unhealthy. Today I can honestly say that I am healthier and have been trying on new friends for size and for the most part many have stuck by my side. I don't understand why they love me but I do know I value each and every one. I hope they choose to stick around for a while longer. I believe there is a process in finding soul friends or intimate friends. You know the "real" friends not to be bought or anything crappy like that. Trial, error and trusting that what flows in my direction is healthy because I can look myself in the mirror and smile from my heart.
       I have learned in this process that there are different types of friends. Superficial and Intimate. These two seem to be the two categories friendshipsfall under. They can definitely be broken down even further. I will not attempt to explain levels/types etc, at this point. I would lose focus in this entry. However, I will give a general description to the two types above. Superficial are for the most part the most damaging. These types of relationships cause us to lie and act in ways that we don't even like to admit. For example the only time they have anything to say to you is when they bump in to you somewhere unplanned and they may say something like "Ive been thinking about you and haven't heard from you in while. How are you?" A response I have been known to use in this type of situation is "the phone works both ways. My number hasn't changed since my last voice mail to you or the last time you called during a break up."  That's a small example.
       I call my response passive aggressive for sure. Obviously unhealthy to my spirit. I'm sure this caused a negative reaction in the other. I could choose better. The other type of friendship is intimate. In my world an intimate friendship is some one who calls to check on your state of being because you've been MIA, they know your having a hard time transitioning, got some disturbing news, haven't heard from you in a while, because you were on their mind or to verbally vomit all over you just to clear their mind. Other times they call they may want to get together and spend time with you, have dinner, come over and visit etc. There are many reasons friends call on each other.  I have not even begun to scratch the surface. I've had a recent experience thats effected me in a big way. Although this experience hurt, I am grateful for it.
       One of the people I had met through AA became an intimate friend. We started off with books and things discussed carried on from there into spirituality, sharing personal experiences from our childhoods and the topics for conversations grew. I was drawn to this person beyond my own understanding. Just about every day there was text communication; a morning hello or bidding of a good night or both. There were a couple of times where my friend had trying experiences and I recall a disconnect from communication that would last a few days. After a short time we would reconnect. Each time it seemed as though the communication level deteriorated a little after each event that occurred in their life. My friend would rationalize the effects of the events yet there was never a direct connection to the heart on these issues. We would discuss the lack of sharing during those times. I also shared with my friend that it seemed as though they were not human or that they were perfect with regards to coping with these trying times in their life. My friend agreed that not discussing may be counter productive to coping or healing from these events.
       One evening my friend came over for a visit and stated that they'd like to try sharing on for size and they did share their experience. I was amazed at the effort my friend put into sharing. I was honored that I was trusted to be the reciever of this information. Then it happened. My friend's relative came into town and stayed a week. The communication dropped drastically. I was waiting for the week to be over so that our communication would be somewhat back to normal. A week had passed and an entire weekend and communication between us was nearly non existent. I began to worry given I had some deep information about my friend's past and history with this relative visiting my friend. I thought any day now my text inbox would be filled with messages, as once very recently was. I sent an ocasional text here and there just to hear back and be sure they were not off line for good.
       I finaly reacted to the isolation or noncomunicative friend. I sent a text that said something  along these lines "I feel like you don't care about me. Are we even friends? Are you sober?" Still no responce. I believe I had received a response the following day.  I'm sure I have left out a text or two from myself to my friend, but that's not the point. They claim that their behavior towards me was not meant to hurt and that they were keeping a close watch on their mental state and so on. I responded by saying "I don't think isolation from friends was healthy and that I just don't understand that." I asked if I was the only one being ignored or if this was something being done to all their friends. I asked if it was a pattern of theirs. In what I thought would be my final text, I also said that what I had to learn was why I attracted this situation into my life. I said something along the lines of your isolation and your lack of communication and you're this and I had no idea you were so disconnected from people and so on. Pretty crummy of me. After sharing our series of texts with someone who "doesnt have a dog in this fight" I began to wonder if I had over reacted. The following evening as I was preparing to meditate I asked that I be shown the lesson to be learned and that I was willing to see clearly what it was.
       Well I asked and I received. I discovered that as a result of the lack of communication I no longer felt connected and I felt insignificant. I felt that after all the sharing and trusting and connecting I thought we had done was fake. I began to question my sanity. Did I attract this situation because I am so very broken? Was I thrown away by this person because they got what they wanted from me and what was it they wanted? Wasn't I a good enough friend? Did my friend lie to me about the things they shared with me? Was any of it real? The bottom line is I was crushed that for two weeks I was dropped like a hefty bag of trash in the dumpster just before monthly pick up. It truly hurt me and made me sad. Then there was a shift in perspecctive. I was able to spot all this because I am my friend. My friend was a mirror presented to me by the universe or God. I have behaved in these ways. This is the lesson that I was to learn. I am now on the receiving end of isolation and being kicked to the curb. Now I know how all those people I have dumped in the dumpster felt. When I experienced a trying time in the past I gave up on myself.
       So during these times I would say stuff like, "why even bother talking about any of my problems with anybody? It doesn't help fix the situation. Why even go to work? Why even try? I'm not good enough. I never was and will never be." Now, I know what it felt like to those friends who met me along my journey in life, that only wanted to be there for me and help me feel like I'm not alone. Yet I had already given up on me and so I consciously kicked them to the curb. As a matter of fact I still do this. The difference between now and then is it's not as drastic as I did in the past; it's a bit more passive. Now a days, I will isolate for a few hours rather than weeks. I don't wipe the friend slate clean, I utilize them in the healing and coping process. I recognize that all the self rationalization in the world will not heal the heart. The lessons I have learned are that I can't do life alone, I still in some way give up on me and push people away. I am even considering that I may have a fear of abandonment looming in my soul. I understand my friend's isolation, behavior and because I can relate I understand myself a little better. I can accept them and forgive them. More importantly, I have forgiven myself for being so harsh in the past and in the present.  I value all of my life's experiences.



      

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

For crying out loud.......


    I sit here staring at this blog thinking to myself about my purpose and questioning what I believe it to be. At this time in life I'm looking for work. A part time that will get the bills paid, a flight here and there to see my daughters in Chicago, cover the car note and take an aerial silks class or two. I thought that I had found a niche, my niche. A something I could do that would help me make money, fulfill my life's purpose and help others find their value. Is this my true purpose? I don't know. What I do know is I want to help others be free from ego and loneliness, as much as I need air to live. My dream job: I intend to help people become aware of themselves, overcome life hurdles, attain an inner peace and value.
       I have seen many changes in my life. Not all of them healthy. I've hurt many and I've hurt myself. I look out the windows and see that we are hustling about life seeking to fulfill something. Running around paying bills, making money and tossing about what ifs. So I sit here watching life pass, by all of us running. Running from what we want. What we want is a relationship with ourselves. We want peace within our selves. So how do we get to this point? What do we do to attain peace? How do we stop comparing ourselves to our neighbor? Who said we had to buy into this life of devoting 8 to 12 hour days to work away from ourselves and family?

       We spend a huge portion of our day pleasing others to make the day's pay. We then run errands on the way home to our children, who have been cooped up inside for 8 to 10 hours at a time. We rush home to administer medication to these children, who after being cooped up all day, must be stuck indoors for several more hours for homework and medication regimens. Medication which they need in order to obey superiors while locked up in doors. We live separate from the very fabric of our dreams. We have bought into this life of deliverance and deception and our children go mad and we catch blame for their rebellious acts. We live enslaved to the necessity of green paper and plastic cards.  We think in terms of have and have nots. And at the end of the day, who are we really?

       How are we to ever know while in this endless maze of life till death? This cycle we have been forced into is the very thing killing our spirits and souls. The soul which we seem to only care for on Sundays when, yet again, we are conditioned to following the herds of the I'm rights and they are wrongs. What do we believe in really? A religion with the most followers or who shouts love the loudest seems to be the winner. Believing that the creator of all things is the punisher of wrong choices. The wiggle room for growth squashed by that of which do as I say and not of what I do shouts at you.
 
       We can all use a little freedom of spirituality. To think we hang in outer space without a string or step stool and we doubt an ultimate power. Furthermore, some of us believe we are governed by a God who will call his children sinners and punish us in purgatory for all eternity. Small is the one who preaches this hell in an after life, for he is squashed by his own anvil. Inherited anvils containing generations' past ideologies and beliefs. Drop the rock and take a look at you. Can you feel that beating heart? Its God telling you that you are loved? Dare you sit be still and quiet, for if you do you just may begin to feel all of what you have been running from. Your life force spirit screaming at you for peace and serenity.
 
      Since you say its all been prewritten, let's just burn, starting the moment we were created and begin life in hell. Free will allows us the opportunity to live peacefully should we choose. So stop and show your children it's safe to just be and exist under a tree without the ipad, iphone and computer gaming thingy. We are gods in their eyes and all they want, for crying out loud, is to be just like mommy and daddy. What they see is a model of how to live. Loveless communication seems normal to them, because of what they have seen. Then they as young adults, can't seem to be successful at relationships. When they cry in our arms about their loneliness and their "I cant seem to ever," we wonder how can we help. How can we help when even we are without relationship models? Where do we begin?

       Try starting with you. Do the looking in the mirror at yourself and become familiar with how awkward it feels to look at your reflection. Begin by asking why it is challenging. Ask yourself if that's how your parent(s) view or viewed them selves. Sit still in silence and face the fears of your mind. Wonder about what it is that's got you so uncomfortable in your own skin. After all, it's only your mind and in your head. Beautiful thing is your mind shows you what not to repeat and in fact be certain it's all in the past. It's done and over with, so face it. The truth is that our devices have conditioned us to run in all ways. I will join you on a boat under the moon light. Be forewarned that we will set sail on life above the sea of receptive love. Receiving love is not a like on you forget about visiting me page. Nor is it the number of superficial friends unsupporting you in your daily struggles.

       God works in me through my hands as I caress your face and speak of the pain I see in your eyes. That pain pouring out over your life and those around you. God is in my loving embrace as I lean in to your ear and whisper that I see you when you're in hiding. Be bold and see the beauty of your life struggling to be free. Fight the war of your heart in my arms full of grace and compassion. Know you are not alone. I too war against a room full of touch and go devices covering faces longing to be seen. Yet the only thing we have time to see is this screen.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Sharing and Wolves

   Most of my sharing in the early weeks was mostly rants. Id share about the house mate and financial stuff but mostly about how there was no food in the house and boose in the fridge. I had no idea what was ok to share and not ok to share in the meetings. I didnt think it mattered what was shared. I heard some of the women say during meetings that the women will save your ass and the men will grab your ass. I had no idea what the heck that meant.

   I was sharing at the AA group in Richardson and was amazed at the number of men that approached me after the meeting ended. I had shared on how I was exhausted with going hungry and not having a thing to eat in the fridge. I cried about not having food literally. I remember there was a time or two when a woman would come up to me before or after a meeting and say they had brought some food for me to take home so that I could eat. The Ramen noodle, rice and beans were such a sight for sore eyes and an empty belly. Forever grateful.

   For the most part men approached me with an out stretched hand. Not women. The men offered a warm meal at a restaurant with "no strings attached".  Of course I was so desperate I wanted to just go and eat. But something didn't feel right about these offers of warm food or for me to go for a ride to the ATM to get cash so they can help me with food. What happened to the, "women will help you out...". Where the heck were they when these buzzards were buzzing around me baiting me while I was vulnerable and desperate. 

   The talk of a woman being proactive in other women's recovery was not something I experienced. I felt like I had to have my guards on high alert. How could I fully trust my guard if i'm still flooded with the pollutant of alcohol on the brain? I mean I thought this was a safe place to go and recover. I thought there would be a fellowship of women there for the safety of other women choosing to recover. Well boy was I wrong. I felt more like they were watching me and judging me rather than concerned for me and my well being.

   Just before a meeting started a man who was in his late 40's offered to take me out for a meal. There were other women in the room when he asked me. I thought well if he's asking openly and claiming no strings attached, what the heck why not?! Since there were other women in the room wouldn't they have notified me of a threat? I hadn't eaten in nearly two days and was weak and vulnerable. So I went. Thank goodness there was no harm done. I will mention I wound up dating the man for three weeks. That was a short lived relationship.

  On the third week he wanted an open mouthed kiss i politely informed him that I was not ready for that kind of relationship. Well obviously he was not ok with that and began acting erroneously. I realized he had one intention in mind for us and that was to have sexual relations or to thirteen step me as its called in AA. I broke it off a day later. We spoke face to face and I told him im just not ready for that kind of relationship and that I felt a physical relationship would hinder my sobriety.

  The evening of our discussion he sent me about 60 texts. He informed me he was wanting to talk to me in person and had realized he was wrong and just wanted to see me and make an amends. At this point I knew better after reading all those crazy texts. I brought this info to the attention of my sponsor and some elected officials from the committee. Not too long after this he was back on his drugs and drinking. Sad to see him go that rout and maybe in some miraculious way I sensed he was not healthy for me.

   Well my take on this whole AA thing for women new to sobriety is to look for the women who look you in the eye and talk to your vulnerable soul. For I believe these are the ones who will protect you along your journey. I know because I finally met some and they do keep me alert and on my toes in a healthy manner. There are many wolves among the sheep. Most of which are disguised as sheep meaning they know all the right things to say yet don't live it. After you have a vulnerable share ladies make sure to remain cautious of those approaching after the meeting for you are fresh meat to many.
  There many men with years of sobriety that are still as broken as they were when they walked into AA, the only difference is they are sober. The moral of this story is just because some one wants to help out doesn't mean they are safe or healthy. There are few that are trustworthy and only time will prove this. Great luck on your journey.    

Saturday, October 11, 2014

What not to look for in an AA sponsor

    At my first meeting in March 8 2013 I was told to get a sponsor and work the f&*$#@ steps. The way the sponsor thing was explained to me was; find some one who has something you want and ask them to be your sponsor. So fresh off the wagon as a newly sober person I was to know what I wanted and what was best for me. I guess I had a pretty colorful track record of people/places and things I thought were best for me. So sure I can find a suitable sponsor.  I believe it was day three of sobriety when I finally decided to pick a sponsor. That day there were slim pickings.

   Well there was really only one woman who looked like they had what I wanted. She was an anglo woman in her mid 50's, very tall, slender, beautiful and blond. I wished I looked just like that growing up because most of mothers friends were anglo. When  mom was around them she was different. So I asked this woman to be my sponsor. She agreed. I believe we met a couple of times and she instructed me to begin reading the first 164 of the big book. Yah like that was going to happen. I could hardly sit still let alone have the patients or self discipline to read a freaking book on my own.

   So like a good little girl I began reading. I was to call on her when I wanted to drink or when I was bored and since the desire to drink was gone early on I didn't need to call her much. At about 19 days sobriety I was at a noon meeting and there was over 80 years of sobriety sitting in the room. It had been about 2 minutes past noon meeting start time. Not one of these old timers wanted to chair. So I chaired the meeting. I had shared this on my Facebook status. At an evening meeting later that week my sponsor decided to tell me, "You know just because you read how it works doesn't mean you chaired a meeting." I have to admit that upset me. She didn't bother to get clarity on what I think chairing a meeting is. She simply assumed I read How It Works at the start of a meeting. So little by little I began to experience belittling behavior from her.

   During one of our phone calls she eluded to the fact that we will have so much fun in the summer working the steps. Well Its was March an I couldn't figure out why I have to wait till summer to get started? I did'nt like this plan of hers. I did begin to put things together. It turned out she was having a rough time at home at it was effecting all areas of her life. I asked her if things were ok at home and she responded as if it were top secret. Wait a freakin minute you expect me to get personaland honest with you yet you have secrets. How the hell does this work?!

    I got real good and honest with her in a private message on Facebook and told her how she "should" be doing things. Really I acted in bad taste and made an amends not too long after. I began figuring out that what I was to be looking for in a sponsor was not physical or monetary. So after a few incidents and 2 1/2 weeks of having her as a sponsor, I let her off the hook and found a new sponsor. Some one who looked like they were at peace all the time. Now that is some thing I wanted.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

A woman and Alcoholics Anonymous.......One

    Having been to AA a few times before I knew there was something to it. Some answer or solution. I arrived for the final time on March 8, 2013 at 12:15pm. I thought I was late and to my surprise I was fifteen minutes early for a women's meeting. This particular AA group in Richardson Texas is a club. Meaning its doors are open all day and ALANON meetings are held here regularly.
 
   Gosh when I walked up those stairs and in the doors I felt like I was walking through a tunnel. I was in fear of the situation and the people who were there. It was different and new yet iv been to AA before. I remember walking through  the hall towards the big room and a woman was walking towards me in this narrow hall. She said "hello". She was a super chipper woman, bouncy and lively. She then  asked me if I'd been there before and if it was my first time. I replied with a outburst of, "well I was tired of the same old bull shit and wanted something different so I thought Id get my happy ass up here and do it." She said well im glad you got your happy ass up here, can I give you a hug?" We hugged and I proceeded in to the room and pulled my belly up to the table as I claimed my seat.

   This is the start of it. I attended at least three meetings a day and most days I was at four. I began leaving my bedroom daily around seven am. After a few days I was at the group by 4:30am and stayed until 10:00pm or 10:30pm. I lived with an elderly man of 70. He was my neighbor before becoming a house mate.  I lived a cross the street from him with a woman I had known for several years from church her occupation was a masseuse. I will get into details on this later.

   I needed to escape the daily monotony of hearing the house mate rolling out of bed at 4:10amish. It started with a horrible coughing. Hacking up phlegm every morning, to the bathroom he went then to the kitchen headed for the fridge for his forty oz beer. He would sit at the table in the smoke stained dining room hacking up a lung, drinking beer and smoking his cigarettes. Mind you, I would get up about eight or nine am and crack open my bottle of wine and smoke my cigarettes with him. We would both sit on the couch every day and watch tv for countless hours and drink our lives away.

    I began to think about how this could be me if I'm not dead or in jail by 70 years old. I was so tired. Not only did I drink I was smoking a type of K2 called Gorilla Dro(GD) daily. I sold/ pawned all of anything I had so that I could drink, smoke cigarettes and smoke GD. The last night of drinking and smoking I had been to the walmart parking lot to ask for money to buy a three dollar bottle of wine. I had nothing left to pawn. I knew that the three dollar bottle would barely affect my senses but it was better than not having a drop.

   I needed it and craved it in order to cope with life and the way I felt about myself and my life. My day was consumed with how was I going to get a few bucks to drink. I was also out of  GD and cigarettes. I went home with my bottle and finished it up around 9:00pm on March 7th. The effects of the bottle wore off around 10:30- 11:00pm. That's when I began my desperate search for another high. Not having any cash or even cigarettes on hand I began digging in the cracks of the floor and the night stand where I would prep my GD for smoking. I gave up my search around 3:45am and fell asleep by 4:30ish. I was up and wired by 11am. The only thought I can remember having that morning is how I was so tired of this fight to get drunk and high.

   Part of me wanted more and the other part knew i had to do something different because I was out of resources. This began my journey towards recovery. I have been sober since. Thank you for reading and helping me feel valued.