Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Three Years Old

Do you have memories from your child hood as far back as 3yrs old? I do. I've got a couple. One is of my mother and myself on a school bus, on our way to Camp Algonquin(not sure of sp). I was riding window seat next to my mom. The seat backs were hard and dark green in color. I had a pair of pink shorts on and Velcro strap sandals. The sky was bright and blanketed with a layer of pillow soft clouds behind the trees. I remember turning to my right to look out the window and scooting my but down towards the side of the bus and put my head on my moms lap(to make this memory a nicer one, I have added in taking my mothers hand and placing it on my chest and holding it.), and had an awesome view of the trees flying by. Another memorable moment is of my mom washing me in the cold steal sinks after swimming in the pool at the same camp. The clearest part is when she picks me up. I remember the feeling of comfort.

So when I was 3 is when my life began to rot. When I was no longer normal or like the other kids. When all I wanted was to sit in a corner with my blanky that my abuelita made for me. I just wanted to be held , loved kissed and carried. GEEEEZZZZZZ! I am still so angry at all of this past junk. How do I heal? Why heal if I no longer have my children. Why go to school to become a doctor? Any way.
Here it is . . .my grandmothers second or 3rd husband was the first to try and molest me. Yuck I could still smell him. I went running down stairs to my grandmothers bed room(which is in the basement) early one morning. I think my grams asked me to go wake up "grandpa" or something like that. So i'm down stairs and its dark, bedroom curtains are still drawn and he was still lying in the water bed. "Grandpa? Are you awake?". Him "Yes, I am getting up now. Why dont you come give your grandpa a hug and kiss good morning?". So this is when it happened. A nasty, gross wet kiss and a boner. I knew right away that something was not right. So I turned and ran up the stairs. I decided in my way to tell my grams that I don't like grandpa any more. I don't remember how soon after it happened that I told her but I did. I believe we were on our way to another ENT appt and on an elevator. My mother was there too. So grams asked me if I remember telling her I don't like him and I said yes. I was getting nervous. I remember my mother and grams grew about ten feet tall in an instant and the elevator numbers were now nearly a mile higher than they were just a moment ago. I remember noticing that the carpet in the elevator was a dark dirty red and the walls were an ugly cream color. so grams continued to poke and ask me why I said that. I explained to her why. Hers and mothers reactions were pretty much the same. They did not seem to be happy and doubted me by grabing my arm and squatting down to my level and asking me if I was sure thats what happened and so on. So I lied and told them that it was not true. I did not wnat them to be angry at me any longer. It worked. They believed.